We got one of these at my work.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m into it. Anything that feeds coffee into my body is a plus. Seriously, if they invented a machine that forced you to slap a child in order to activate the coffee vending, I’d be okay with it. You could even slap a different child based on the drink you wanted. A white kid for with cream, a Hispanic child for a latte. It could be physically abusive and racist, and still I’d probably find myself sore-handed from slapping the silly shit out of kids all day just to get through a few spreadsheets.
For those of you who don’t know, here’s how the machine works.
1. You buy a K-cup. This is like a giant creamer cup, but instead of creamer it has coffee in it. See, this is already getting confusing.
2. You put the cup in some sort of needle chamber. Like an iron maiden. Someone told me that nobody was ever put inside the iron maiden, that it was an idea that never got executed. Which is irrelevant because that still sounds horrible, and whether or not some medieval idiot got put in there doesn’t really change what I see every time I close my eyes.
3. At this point you add water. You would THINK you could just fill whatever cup you were going to drink out of with water, dump that in the machine, and then be good to go. Well, friend, you must be one of those weirdos who believes in crazy things like The Law of Conservation of Mass. Because sometimes you put in a cup and it pours out twice as much coffee. Sometimes you put in a cup and it pours out about half the amount. Where did the rest go? Well, I can only assume into a reservoir designed to overflow the next cup. It’s the only logical leap to be made, really.
4. You will, at this point, be instructed to either put in the K-cup or add water. These are the only indicator lights, and they look almost exactly the same and are expressed in the same calming, bright blue. This is retarded. It’s like giving Robocop two expressions he could make, one being that he’s about to kill you and one that he’s about to give you a mediocre but still enjoyable Tootsie Pop, and making those expressions almost fucking identical.
5. Eventually, by opening and closing things or maybe unplugging the machine, you will be treated to the hottest cup of coffee on the planet we like to call Earth. I know, I’ve heard it. Coffee is supposed to be hot. I agree. However, the coffee cup doesn’t need to be superheated to the point that I jerk it away and splash hot coffee in the face of the small child still leftover from our old coffee vending machine.
Okay, here’s the thing I don’t understand about these Keurig machines.
Every time I go to use it, what do I find? Sitting in the K-Cup spot, a used K-Cup. You animals had one thing that could be turned into trash that someone else has to deal with, and there it is. It’s not like the toaster oven, slowly destroyed by stalagmites of old crumbs until it looks like a diorama of Carlsbad Caverns. No, this really has the potential to have zero mess. And yet, here we are.
So I don’t know. Go ahead and buy one for your office. If you’re the kind of person who is less upset by throwing away someone else’s trash than you are by slapping an innocent young boy from Western Nebraska (pumpkin spice latte), then I guess this’ll have to do.