Softball
Pro: Opportunity to legitimately purchase a nice pouch of Big League Chew.
Con: Going through some bizarre, vaguely satanic ritual to break in a glove. This usually seems to involve embalming it, running it over with a car, and smothering a newborn calf with it to create a “sweet spot.”
Volleyball
Pro: Lots of hot babes play beach volleyball on TV.
Con: Significant reduction in the time spent watching said hot babes due to the fact that I have to leave my apartment at least once a week for games.
Dodgeball
Pro: I game that, though I can’t master, I can grasp.
Con: Hearing bros quote lines from Dodgeball, a motion picture that they “watch the shit out of.”
Basketball:
(note: the idea of me playing basketball is fucking ridiculous, so there’s no point. However, I would like to take this opportunity to say something possibly racist, but that is ultimately meant to help out my black friends: How come nobody has invented an effective tattoo ink that’s white? Seriously, I see a hell of a lot of basketball players who most be spending an assload on tattoos, but I can barely see them because the contrast just isn’t good. Again, not a slam. Just trying to help.)
Soccer:
Pro: This is a game that discourages you from catching a ball, so all of a sudden my natural inability to do so becomes an asset.
Con: Again, I don’t want to come off as racist here either. Again, just trying to be helpful. But a lot of non-whites play soccer.
Flag Football
Pro: No special preparation necessary.
Con: Taking an essential element out of a sport sort of seems to defeat the point of the sport. Why not just have a sport called Flat Tennis where there’s no net and we just swing at an imaginary ball and make hitting noises with our mouths?