“I’m going to use this review to defend Return of the Jedi, my favorite Star Wars when I was a kid:
1. The Opening
The entire first half hour or so is great. The Jabba shit, Luke showing up as a grown-ass man, Han Solo shooting a laser while pretty much blind. It’s all great.
2. The Rancor
The Rancor training being all upset when Luke kills the Rancor is a feeling familiar to anyone who has a dog that’s…really loving to them, but a fucking hellbeast to everyone else.
3. Gold Bikini
Hey, I was (and to an extent, am) a 10 year old boy. I’m not going to pretend like I had no thoughts on Princess Leia’s getup.
4. Empire
It’s a little slow. Hoth is cool, but then we’re just like floating in space. The Yoda stuff doesn’t have a lot of urgency. I don’t know, I got bored when I was a kid.
5. Star Wars
It’s the most incest-y of all the Star Wars movies. Defend it if you like.
6. The Button
The end is satisfying. Bad guys get punished, good guys are happy, Vader is redeemed. It ended the series until it didn’t, but that’s not Jedi’s fault.
7. Speederbikes
I don’t care if it looks like shit today, in the 80’s, watching movies was half about what was on screen, half about you imagining shit. Because the visuals weren’t perfect, you had to meet in the middle and think it’d be fun to take a speederbike to school. Although then you’d get to school way too fast. I’m gonna have to rethink that one.”