“This was the last movie I saw in theaters, just before lockdowns in 2020.
It’s now August 2022, and I still have no plans to hit the theater again.
I mean, you do you, but me? I haven’t heard tale of a movie that I’d take a 10% increased risk of COVID to see. I wouldn’t take a 10% risk of flu or whatever, so don’t get all caught up in the COVIDity, it just happens to be a virus that I know I’m fairly likely to get in a movie theater.
I, like most people, had some great theater experiences. But those were becoming fewer and further between.
People could not accept that it’s really, really annoying when you check your phone during the movie. Why do you need to know what time it is? It’s probably about an hour and a half since the movie’s start time. Jesus christ. Is it impossible to keep your phone in your pocket, 100% silent, for 2 hours?
I walked out of Alien Covenant not too long before this, not because of the movie, but because there were at least three factions of people talking through the entire movie.
I had to be the stern old man in a theater when a bunch of young teens walked in about 80 minutes into 10 Cloverfield Lane and were talking the whole time. What even? Why would you walk into that so late and expect to know what the fuck is going on? This is not an R-rated movie like Paranormal Activity or something where you might see some nudity or gore or whatever. It’s a locked-room thriller.
I went to a midnight showing at an indie theater screening a cult film, and it was a fucking nightmare because everyone in the crowd was basically doing a MST3K from their seat. Do your joke, ONE joke, then call it a night, fuckers!
All this to say: I think COVID put the final stake in the heart of theaters, but it was really a mercy killing of something that, for me, was dying. I’m not super picky, eat your popcorn, make a couple little remarks, get up and take a piss, sneak in 5 beers, but fuck, nobody is impressed when you talk about what everyone in an Aliens movie SHOULD do instead. Yeah, you have better ideas than them. You know why? Because while they’re in an Aliens movie and don’t know it, you’re WATCHING an Aliens movie, and you’re well aware. It’s like watching golf on TV and saying, “Now what I would do is hit it IN the hole.”
I felt like all I was asking was, “Watching a movie with other people, strangers, in public, is different from watching a movie at home. PRETEND there are other people there who don’t find you super charming. Just imagine that, if you will, and imagine how you might act around people who are not predisposed to think you’re great.”
That was far too much.”