Umbrella
Pre-Update: Push button, umbrella opens. Also closes, keeps rain off head.
Post-Update: Push button, nothing happens for a really long time. Push button a few more times, still nothing. Put umbrella back in umbrella stand. Ten minutes later, I come back into the room to find eighteen identical umbrellas all open and spread all over the floor.
Cereal Box
Pre-Update: Opens at top, cereal pours out. However, a little box pops up in front of the cereal spout, asking me if I want to update the box and slowing down the flow of cereal. Finally agree and cereal not usable for the morning.
Post-Update: Cereal box seems exactly the fucking same, working as perfectly as it did before the update, the primary problem it was created to solve seeming to be the update message itself.
Vacuum
Pre-Update: Won’t work on same floor it has worked on a hundred times. Says it requires a Flash update in order to vacuum.
Post-Update: After waiting about 20 minutes and clicking “Yes” 400 times, vacuum operates, and after a process longer than the actual task itself will take I am allowed to continue doing work I didn’t want to do in the first place.
CD
Pre-Update: Stores music.
Post-Update: CD is not recognized by playing devices. Primary suggestion of said devices is to “format” CD, which is a nice way of saying, “Delete from it anything of value.” Somehow, deleting everything on it will make it work again.
Floor of Apartment
Pre-Update: Shit to walk on, keep ants from making tunnels into your apartment.
Post-Update: Suddenly, multiple objects are scattered around the floor. Attempts to move these objects out of the way are futile. Eventually, you just create an odd routine of walking around, pushing on certain things, and shaking others a certain way every time you get out of bed and start up your day, a routine that becomes so ingrained that you don’t even notice it until you use your floor in front