If Pete Experienced Superhero Origins

When high school nerd Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider, he found that he had gained the proportional speed and strength of a spider and became the Amazing Spider-Man.

When Pete was attending a science exhibit because he thought there might be cute girls who carry notepads there (he was mistaking the science museum for the modern art museum) he was nearly bitten by a radioactive spider.  However, he let out a girlish squeal and ran out of the exhibit and decided to eat hamburgers instead of trying to pick up girls forever and ever.

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When adventurer and test pilot Ben Grimm was bathed in cosmic rays, his body was transformed into hard rock and he became the ever-lovin’ blue-eyed Thing.

When Pete saw Battlestar Galactica’s first couple episodes, he realized immediately that space is a terrifying void that not only contains no ability to sustain life, but almost seems to actively attack it.  Not to mention, he felt that somehow the black void of space somehow seemed to be a manifestation of the inner turmoil and emptiness he felt.  So he decided to forever avoid space.  And spice because those were only one vowel off, and that’s just too close for reasonable comfort.

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When Matt Murdock dove to save a man from being hit by a truck, he was exposed to an experimental isotope that blinded him.  However, his other senses were heightened to a superhuman degree and he became Daredevil: the Man Without Fear.

Pete really enjoyed the Thomas Dolby song “She Blinded Me With Science.”  He listened to it many, many times.  His physical senses remained unaltered, however his sense of joy could reasonably be called superhuman.

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When scientist Bruce Banner was the victim of a gamma bomb test gone wrong, his body was exposed to a high level of gamma radiation and he was turned into the Incredible Hulk.

When Pete was asked to take a standardized test after the age of 25, he became furious.  As his fury increased, so did his strength.  He turned giant and green and smashed up the testing center.  Afterwards, after the dust settled, he was asked to repay the cost of the storefront in the strip center, a cost of nearly $15,000.