Great news! Pete has some new friends. Would you like to meet them? Of course you would!
Here’s Michael! Yes, he’s a special guy. Okay, he’s not the finest doll ever crafted. Nor is he the most racially-sensitive (an honor belonging to Q: The Equality Doll who Also Really Pees). But that doesn’t make him any less special. Or fucking terrifying because I’ve decided to display him spiderwebbed to the ceiling with Halloween props.
How about this young…maybe young? How about this age-indeterminate…lady? Maybe lady? I’ll tell you one thing, it’s not appearance that’s important when we’re talking dolls. It’s horror. And let me tell you something, it doesn’t matter how hot or not a doll is just so long as you feel a shiver down your spine every time it glides past your second-story window in the night.
How about this little lady? And yeah, we let our kids rollerskate here. Our BABIES are on rollerskates. What are you going to do about it? Call Child Protective Services? Because please don’t.
Who is ready for a night on the town? This guy. Who is ready for this doll to have a night on the town? That would be me. You ever seen a doll that develops real human skin rashes and grows body hair? Well, once you have, then we can talk.
This is a baby with an adult hairline. It’s meant to appeal to extremely crazy people who always wondered what Beethoven would look like as a black baby. Every night I hear what sounds like a cat walking across the piano. Then I go into the living room and it’s just this doll making piano noises while it uses one of those weird machines to pack its own shotgun shells.
This doll had an entire body before I went to bed. Which doll did she cross? Who is next?
Okay, I was just fooling around before. Haha, black ghost dolls. But this one is real serious. Here I am, looking through my photos while drinking a brandy as I like to do, and I started noticing something weird. This doll, this scary, scary doll, is in the background of every single photo from my birth on. Me in the crib? Oh, who’s that out of focus, sitting on the dresser? Me at little league? Who is sitting on the bleachers, holding a barbecue fork in a menacing way?
That’s right. My new friends. Happy Halloween indeed.