Exhibit A: Cost
Every time you go bowling, it starts off as being the evening special where you only pay three dollars, and by the end you’ve spent $48. How do they do this?
For one thing, the shoe rental piece is bullshit. It’s not like they let you bowl in your own shoes, which they should. Just reserve half the lanes for leagues, the other half for people who don’t have a favorite flavor of Nicorette. Besides, you wouldn’t “rent” someone use of a dartboard and then give say they had to wear a special glove, which also has to be rented for a separate fee. Scam.
Exhibit B: Bowling Balls
Nobody with human hands has created these bowling balls. If someone with a finger the width of a spaghetti strand is lifting a 16-lb ball, then we have a serious X-File on our hands.
And how does it always end up that there are 3 people bowling, and by the end there are 18 bowling balls waiting in that stupid corral at the end of the lane? Where are these all coming from, and who changes balls mid-game?
Exhibit C: Beer in Plastic Pitchers
Here’s a little science:
The reason a beer bottle is made of glass is that it retains cold longer than most materials. The reason it’s shaped as it is, thick at the bottom with a long skinny neck, is to keep all the carbonation from escaping.
A beer pitcher is made of plastic, which sucks ass at retaining temperatures, and has a much wider opening than is necessary. I would say that it’s the worst thing you could drink out of with a spout.
Now, I understand that a lot of places go to plastic drinkware because they’re worried people will use the cups and such as weapons. I can’t speak to whether or not that’s true, but I can say with certainty that I would rather get hit in the back with a glass than a 12-lb bowling ball. You still have the damn balls, so how about you let us have a glass?
Exhibit D: Double-dating
Bowling is a classic double-date, which is always a mistake.
Imagine you go on a double-date and you go to dinner. Then someone gets up to use the restroom. When that person gets up, the conversation always has to shift and restart a little.
With bowling, you have basically the same thing except the food is worse, you don’t get curious if the person getting up is leaving just to take more pills, and it happens every two minutes. Just when you’ve broken through and discovered both you and your friend’s friend saw Tears for Fears in concert, it’s time for someone to leave.
Dating is for suckers, so double-dating is for double-suckers. Like some kind of sucker that has a thin candy shell with another sucker inside.
Exhibit E: Two Throws
How come it’s gotta be two goddamn throws?
You go up there, bowl terribly, and then turn around and stand in your stupid fucking shoes and pray to god that your ball will come back soon. You’re lonely, you’re cold because that weird fan thing is blowing on you, and if you could trade every pin you’ve hit to just sit the fuck down, you would. You know you would.
Exhibit F: The Other Bowlers
Never have weird, thin old rednecks and young dopes covered in Axe body spray shared the same space in such numbers.