1. Get all excited about it. Get aaaaaaalllllllllllllll fuckin’ excited. Because this is the future!
2. Download a Wells Fargo app. For some reason, businesses think you want to do all your dealings with them through an app. NOBODY does, but hell, it’s worth it. You’ll barely have to ever go to the bank!
3. Open the app. Look at the picture of a stagecoach.
4. Try and not think about the last time you saw a stagecoach, which was in Back to the Future III, when a stagecoach was about to go off a goddamn cliff. Do not think about this because it will only be all too poetic shortly.
5. Open the mobile check depost from the menu.
6. Type in the amount you’re depositing.
7. Again, don’t focus on the amount. Because you’ll be ready to tear up your check in a moment.
8. Also, don’t focus on the “deposit limit.” Yes, you can only deposit $5k in your account in a 30-day period. My god, how could I survive on such a paltry, additional sum that can be deposited via this convenience?
9. Push the button to take a photo of the front of your check.
10. Hold the camera steady, in good light.
11. Read message that tells you to hold steadier.
12. Question your drinking/drugs life choices.
13. Read the message that asks for more light.
14. Look quickly at the beaming sun above you, a star which burns at a temperature of 27,000,000 degrees Fahrenheit.
15. Wait for the app to tell you that it couldn’t take the picture for you, and to go ahead and try manually.
16. Take a picture almost instantly.
17. Wait for the wheel to judge your photo, aesthetically.
18. Push the button to take the back photo.
19. Take a deep breath. Resist the urge to remember your high school photo classes, including dark rooms and pinhole cameras. Resist the urge to think about the fact that your photography knowledge far outweighs your financial knowledge, which is why you’re depositing an $11 that’s a month old.
20. Search for the override that would let you skip immediately to the self-taken photo option. You won’t find it.
21. Read the repeated message to get closer, getting so close that you are noticing microscopic patterns in the check’s paper.
22. Set your phone face-down on the goddamn desk until the app decides to let you take a picture yourself.
23. Take a picture yourself.
24. Wait a hundred years for the pictures to process.
25. Shred checks. Assuming they actually got deposited. Who the fuck knows. All you know is that after depositing that $11, you need at least $15 worth of booze from a local watering hole, plus tip.
26. Next time someone offers you a check, slap them across the face with a leather glove, challenge them to a duel, and shoot them in the stomach. That’s the way that takes the longest to die and is the most painful.
27. Look up other future technology, realize we don’t have jetpacks, we don’t have pens that work perfectly, and these so-called “hoverboards” don’t actually hover as is implied by 45% of their name.
28. Realize the future IS now, but the future sucks ass.
29. Watch videos of people trying to knock down walking robots and feel sexually excited. This is the step commonly referred to as “acceptance.”
30. Kick the shit out of a garbage can with a built-in, solar-powered compactor one night because screw the machines.
31. Read the bible while watching Terminator 2 and realize that these stories have too many parallels for coincidence to explain.
32. Create the world’s most-powerful, improvised EMP device.
33. Destroy a large percentage of the world’s technology.