Hey guys! I’m a social media expert -more like SEXpert!!!;)- and I’m here to help you sexitize your Snapchats with these sizzling hot tips. Get it, sizzling hot tips? Like penis tips? Like the tip of a man’s penis? The front part of a man’s gross dick? See how good I am?
Tip: Less Textery More Sextery
Forget all those words. They don’t fit in Snapchat anyway. I had the same problem. Can’t put “Madam, I’d like to see a flash of those breasts, even for the briefest of moments, please.” Nope. Instead, stick with simple, easy-to-understand phrases such as “show. them. TOOBS!”
Tip: Hard Dicks Only, Please
I’m not your wife. Not your girlfriend. I don’t have to put up with the scourge of soft penis on my screenis. All I get out of that soft peen is an idea of what you look like changing in a locker room. It’s disgraceful. Have some pride, class, and dignity, which was my old school’s motto and really applies to dick pics.
Tip: I Don’t Like Bananas
I get it. They look like penises sort of. I mean, if someone pulled down his pants and had a banana shooting out of his body, is that really getting you hot? No! And I get that putting one in your mouth is like a picture of putting a penis in your mouth. Again, the grossest penis of all times. But I don’t like bananas all that much. I’ll blend one up in a smoothie like any good person. But just eating one? Fuck yourself. So unless you want me to think about blending a man’s penis for a morning pick-me-up, leave the bananas in the fruit bowl.
Tip: I DO Like Butts
Everything I said about bananas, pretty much the opposite of that. Go butts. Team butt. show. them. CRAMS!
Tip: Jurassic Park Jeff Goldblum Is Not Sexy Jeff Goldblum
I don’t know how to apply this knowledge, but just know it’s true.
Tip: ID4 Jeff Goldblum Is SMOKING Sexy Jeff Goldblum
I don’t know how to crack that code either. But amiright or amiright?