Yesterday I was outside. This is significant not only because I was outside, one of my most hated places, but also because it’s an important fact that comes into play here.
I was outside, walking down a sidewalk when a guy came by on a bike. He was one of the people I like to call The DUrIders, guys who look very uncomfortable on bikes, so much so that the only conclusion I can reach is that they got DUI’s and have no other choice.
As this DUrIder pedaled by, I couldn’t help but get a nice whiff of his cologne. If that’s what we’re calling it. Personally, I don’t know that something can still be a cologne once it’s been aerosolized, but whatever.
I kept walking, and it was like he’d left a ghost trail behind him. All the way down the sidewalk. Not just a minor scent, a reminder he was there. A stream. A fog. The density was such that I considered crossing the street.
Just in case you’re unsure about the right way to apply scents, here are a few different methods. Some right, some wrong. Go ahead and peruse the list, and once you’re finished feel free to contact me if you’re unsure about your score.
Option:
Spray half a spritz on a wrist, almost in fear that when you depress the plunger you’ll get a full spray, and then rub that small amount on your pulse points.
Option:
Create some sort of dipping mechanism and a matching vat to make sure you get full-body coverage. Purchase goggles.
Option:
Lightly spray the air in front of you, then walk through the small cloud of scent, only walking through it one way and making sure not to linger in the area immediately afterward.
Option:
Create a mister similar to the ones they use at Lollapalooza when people pass out, except instead of a nice refreshing mist of water you hook up a pressurized canister of unholy stink.
Option:
Look at the bottle, realize how small it is and that it should last quite a while, and portion out use accordingly.
Option:
Look at the bottle, realize how small it is and that it was likely designed that way because it was meant to be consumed quickly and entirely, like a shot of vile liquor, and dump the entire thing on top of your head.