Dear Denver Sheraton,
I’ve gotten an email every 3 or 4 days since staying at your goddamn hotel for one goddamn night asking me to take a survey related to how my stay was. I’m really not much for multiple-choice quizzes, so I’d like to do this longform, if you’re up for it. I’ll just throw in some of the typical questions you might see in a hotel satisfaction survey. If there’s anything I miss, just drop me a line. I’ll leave the light on for you, or whatever dumb slogan Sheridan has adopted.
Medium Regards,
Pete
~
How would you rate your stay at the Denver Sheraton?
These surveys always start with this. “How” you would rate your stay. Not “at what level.” So I’ll assume that you’re asking about my criteria.
Well, here’s the thing. One of my main criteria when judging a hotel is that I don’t spend 45 minutes circling the hotel because two of the main streets that box it in are closed. I’m a man of…ungenerous bladder, so here I am, sweating in the summer heat while also brimming with pee. This is, overall, an unpleasant experience.
Now, I don’t blame you folks for the road work or the People Fest or the Human Party or whatever the hell is going on where idiots bake in the sun. What I DO take issue with is the fact that you have sent me DOZENS OF FUCKING EMAILS since I stayed, however you couldn’t bother to send one fucking email beforehand along the lines of “Hey, gonna be some traffic. Closed roads. Here’s how you navigate the labyrinth into our hotel.” Seriously, I had a fight with my nav app that rivals the worst fights I’ve ever had in romantic relationships.
So that’s how I would rate it. I’ll leave it to you to figure the standing that leaves you in.
Would You Recommend the Sheraton to a Friend?
Yes.
As an aside, you should be aware that I’ve been on a relentless and mostly successful campaign to alienate anyone who has shown me any affection whatsoever. Your hotel is just what I need in the ever-growing arsenal created for that task.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but your hotel is two buildings. And from outside it’s pretty goddamn difficult to tell which building is the building where a person checks in. And god forbid, GOD FUCKING FORBID there be a check-in desk on both sides of the street. Probably better for me to navigate across the traffic three separate times before getting to the room.
So again, a hearty Yes to that question. May my friends rot in hell or on earth in bodies crippled by automobiles. Either way.
How Did You Find Your Room?
Do you guys have a special factory where they make pads of paper that have, like, 2 sheets left? How does that work? And what is the self-esteem level like at that factory? It’s gotta be low as fuck, right?
Other than that, I’d say it’s fine. I’d kill myself in that room. That’s an endorsement from me, by the way. It’s my way of saying that I was reasonably comfortable.
How Was The Staff?
I mean, fine. Although I don’t know why you make your staff dress like they work at Men’s Wearhouse. Seriously, they look like bank managers who got the job a couple years too young or something and had to borrow a suit from dad. Also, personal rule, never, EVER have a nametag on a fucking suit. That looks insane. Nobody does that.
Was the Parking All Fucked Up?
Okay, I know that’s not usually a question. But I wanted to let you know that the parking was all fucked up. I couldn’t get into the garage because, much like the first time I had sex, I could not, for the life of me, figure out where the entrance was located. I ended up parking at Pavillion, which saved me two dollars although I had to get up at 6:30 and get a second pass. Why is that a cheaper option than parking for your guests, and why do you have 24-hour parking that’s 24 hours as long as you park from 3PM to 3PM? Can’t it just be 24 hours? Or, god forbid, 28 hours?
Would You Stay With Us Again?
Probably. But understand this is only because of very serious self-esteem issues. A person with good mental health would not, but I might. However, I am currently seeing a therapist, so we’ll just have to see.