Helpful Snowman Can’t Stop Helping

After such a successful first day helping out, how could I not do a second?

Dear Helpful,

Why is it that whenever I do something or make a decision – I always mess up ?

Ever since I can remember whenever I have made a decision I have always messed up and screwed up — Now again I have made a decision it has resulted in the biggest regret of my life

I just dont know what to do anymore I fee that some one has cursed me — I will never be successful in life with the way I make decisions

My decisions always result in regrets

Sincerely,
luvaboy

 

Dear luvaboy,

First off, I can see what you’re talking about.  Naming yourself “luvaboy” after a band far inferior to the wonderful Foreigner is just another in a long line of these bad decisions you speak of.

Bad decisions are easy to make, and unless you decide to scar half of your face and flip a two-headed coin for the rest of your life, you need to learn to take some fucking responsibility.  Which is why I recommend scarring half of your face with acid and finding a two-headed coin.  That way, decisions are still your fault, but anyone who asks you to make a decision is kind of asking for trouble and they get what they deserve.

Outside of that, I would say that instead of worrying about making decisions, you need to focus on not giving a fuck about your horrible, idiotic decisions made with no thought whatsoever.

Now, because this is the internet, I’m going to assume that you are about 15 and this “biggest regret” has something to do with you asking out a boy or girl you are into even though he or she has made it abundantly clear that he or she doesn’t like you.  That’s what happens when you’re 15.  If I’m incorrect and you did something like decide to give shrooms to a toddler you were babysitting and the toddler ran through a fucking wall because it thought it was going down a Crocodile Mile, then I apologize.  That probably WAS the worst decision you’ve ever made.

But it’s time to buck up and get over it.

I suggest booze.  There are many, many studies out there that prove booze affects memory and increases the rate of memory loss and the likelihood of Alzheimer’s.  Let’s bank on that, start getting loaded, and start pushing those regrets deep down where they won’t be expressed until your streak of bad decisions lands you as a bum, muttering on a bus, at which point you will no longer have internet access or any ability to bother me.

Cheers,
H.S.