Before we go any further, I know that people spell it differently. But fuck that. K-O-R-A-N is just easier, and I have to type it twenty times in the next four minutes, so that’s what we’re going with. If you want to get technical, the proper spelling of Islam is probably a bunch of crazy squiggles that look like dead snakes, but I’m not spelling that the original way either.
By now, everyone has probably heard of this day where we burn a Koran. If not, Google it yourself because I’m not linking to any pastor’s web site. I don’t want to associate with anyone surfing that pedo stuff, even if it’s still a three-degree separation. If you haven’t, basically some dude who looks like a hillbilly version of Magneto has organized this holiday of sorts to commemorate 9/11 by burning a holy book.
There are about 40 billion reasons that this is a retarded idea, but I’ll stick to a top 10.
1. This guy’s plan is more convoluted than the plot of Point Break.
So Magneto (let’s just call him Magneto) has decided to burn the Koran, but he’ll back off his plan if someone in charge of building the Muslim cultural center near ground zero will meet with him. So, what is his plan once the meeting happens? Another stunt? Riding a unicycle through flames? Doing a John McClane doesn’t seem like a great plan. I don’t know a lot about business, but I’d say that if you want a meeting with someone, you could do something crazy like kidnap a businessman’s daughter, but the talk afterwards probably won’t be too productive. That’s why my meeting with Mattel went to total shit, and that’s why we don’t have any Freddy Mercury action figures that come with killer accessories.
2. Is he planning on buying these books?
If I ever write a book, I’m sending free copies to every pastor, minister, parent group, and churchy guy with a torch in the country. What you might see is a pile of books burning, but what I hear is ka-ching. If you were buying my book, I could care less whether you read it or use it to fix wobbly furniture. Hell, I’ll probably put a little circle on the back that shows where a wobbly chair leg should go to achieve maximum balance. The Koran, one of the all-time bestsellers, unsurprising as it has more twists than the Da Vinci Code and more creepy shit than Harry Potter, is only getting another sales boost. Unless you decide to steal a bunch. But that’s against your own goofy religion. Maybe we should just burn copies of Catch-22.
3. Well, he’s rallied the dopes…
Sometimes you might be someone awesome. Like Kelly Clarkson, for instance. But sometimes you attract a bunch of idiots. Like…Hey! Kelly Clarkson again! Maybe it’s not your fault, but I think that this Magneto fella is attracting some real bottom of the barrel types. Let’s look at some posts on the Facebook page he created for his holiday:
“Millions of American’s in solidarity with Pastor Jones’ beliefs will be privately protesting Saturday Sept. 11th in their homes and in their yards by burning copies of the Koran or excerpts of it downloaded by computer. This is a fact. Lets see if face book will censor this statement and not the pro Islam statements as they have done since this site went up.” Wait a minute, you’re going to print parts of it from the internet to burn? What a cheap bastard. And aren’t you just creating more of it? Shouldn’t you be hacking the site or something, trying to bring it down? Printing it off the internet and burning it is sort of like creating sheet music for a song you hate and then running it through a shredder. This person clearly does not have a good grasp on technology. I do like, however, that this guy will be keeping it small, really getting back to the family values this holiday is all about: Burning a crazy book in your own yard with your weird family.
“Save your energy for fighting. The time for talk is over. The war has ALREADY begun. Arms yourselves and kill every Muslim you see. Good Day.” Haha, wow. Hey buddy, I may not be in great shape, but I think I have the energy to fight AND burn things. If you don’t, I’d say maybe you should hold off on the war and hit the treadmill. And hey, glad you noticed that the war, which started a decade ago, has begun. Very timely of you. This guy is going to shit when he finds out that most of Lynyrd Skynyrd is dead.
“Lord Jesus did warn us about FALSE ‘prophets’ like MohaMad. Jesus said “Beware of false prophets who would come in my name and use my name to delusion many. MohaMad did not predict anything but is called a prophet! hahaha MohaMad RAPED 6 year old Aiysha. Imagine 56 year old MohaMad lifting 6 year old child’s skirt and …” I think we get the picture. It’s so weird because who would follow someone violent? Like, I don’t know, a god who destroyed entire cities or made it rain except the rain was fire? Also, given the choice between being raped and being turned into salt…that’s a tough one, but what kind of sick fuck turns a human into salt? That shit’s weird. Just hit them with lightning and move on. This person is really confused. I can’t tell if they think the Koran is full of shit and a waste of time, or if it’s a true tale of how someone did bad shit and that’s why it should be burned. Make up your mind already.
4. This guy should have done more branding first.
His church is called the Dove World Outreach Center. Are we learning about god or eating decadent chocolate here? What the hell does a dove have to do with anything? I recall a story where god turned into a swan to bang some lady…or maybe that was zeus. Is that the same dude? See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Too fucking confusing.
5. This could result in a missed opportunity.
Let’s just say this guy succeeds. Aren’t we missing an opportunity to learn about muslims and all that? Also, how hilarious would it be to crash a tiny model plane into that cultural center? And the plane could carry a banner that says, “See, doesn’t feel too good, does it?” Then the healing begins.
6. Books are a bitch to move around.
Seriously, it’s going to suck to tend that fire. I suggest you burn something easier to move around. Fall is right around the corner. Couldn’t you just write “Koran” on a bunch of leaves and burn those? You’re not supposed to burn leaves, so it’s still pretty rebellious.
7. Florida is not the birthplace of wise decisions.
How many good things came out of Florida? Think about it. Something about the heat and constant exposure to alligators must screw with their minds. Maybe Gatorade was a good one. But based on some of their newest flavors, that’s debatable. If you make a grape drink, it should taste like Dimetapp. End of story.
8. There’s really no reason to get all pissy about a muslim cultural whatever.
Seriously, who gives a shit? Besides, if you hate it, just don’t go there. The great thing about being American, besides all of our clothing options featuring eagles ripping through shit, is that you can choose to do whatever you want. AND, even better, skip out on the shit that’s a waste of time. Hate your grandma? Skip her funeral. Tired of school? Drop the hell out. I wouldn’t go to a muslim cultural center for the simple reason that I wouldn’t go to an ANYTHING cultural center. What’s the point? To see a bunch if shitty flags and pictures of old people looking sad, standing with shovels? No thanks. Let the New Yorkers figure it out. I don’t want a goddamn Subway near my house. That place sucks. But I’ll handle it myself without asking for out-of-state help.
9. The dude already pussed out
Okay, so this gets a little complex. Magneto wanted to meet with Abdul regarding moving the center. But now there’s controversy about whether they’re meeting or not, but either way it’s not happening today, and Magneto has put off the burning until a later date. What the hell? Wasn’t the whole point to do it on 9/11? You can get me a birthday cake eight weeks after my birthday, but you can go fuck yourself if you think I’m going to tap right back into that birthday magic. And what’s the matter? The dude doesn’t have the stones? I’ll burn any book anyone wants to send me just for the fun of watching a small fire. I don’t give a damn. It’s all hokey garbage anyway. Which brings us, finally to…
10. You’re wasting your time burning that shit.
C’mon, guys. Get with it. The whole problem is that you’re burning this one churchy book and then pushing another one. I don’t want any of that stuff. You might as well burn the Final Fantasy VII strategy guide for all I care. It’s more instructive, clues you in to more secrets, and is generally more helpful as a tool. Plus, at least it’s based in a sort of reality. That Chocobo is always going to be right there. These are the kinds of guarantees you don’t get from some bible or koran or whatever the hell else you fools are reading these days. Just subscribe to Esquire already.