“Like Kevin Smith’s Bionic Man and The Star Wars, Green Hornet is a comic-book-itized version of a movie that was never made.
It’s a great idea. The translation from movie to comic seems to work pretty well. I’d love a whole series like this, movies that never happened getting the comic book treatment.
Green Hornet is obviously an older property, revived by Kevin Smith’s script, then turned into a different movie which didn’t do so hot.
Which property would I like to see revived today? Easy. Richie Rich.
-wait-
Turns out, Netflix did it already! For kids.
They changed up the premise a little. Instead of just being rich, Richie used vegetables to invent a new fuel source, which he sold for a lot of money. Already, boo. Richie Rich is not fun if he earned the money in a legitimate way. A clean-burning energy source made from organic matter? That changes the world completely. That dude DESERVES a trillion dollars, easy! That’s no fun. I don’t want a story about a rich guy who DESERVES to be rich (and who, honestly, would make the world its trillion dollars back in like 45 minutes).
What would MY Richie Rich be like?
First off, the Netflix version says he has a heart of gold. Great idea.
Episode 1: Richie is implanted with a solid gold heart. This causes him lots of problems, he nearly dies throughout the series, but he doesn’t care. He understands the importance of someone in his position engaging in conspicuous consumption, damn it.
Episode 2: Richie turns 16 and buys a supercar. Well, like a dozen supercars. He puts them through a series of tests to determine which is the best. A series of bizarre, destructive, thoroughly watchable tests. Such as getting cadavers and hitting them at 50 MPH to see which does the least damage and increases his likelihood of getting away.
Episode 3: Richie goes to the woods to set up a cabin for his heirs to inherit. He constructs several secret passages, Satanic tableaus, and other bizarre shit to really creep the hell out of the future. Just him with a backpack and a hose, spraying blood all over the wall where they’ve treated portions of it so a pentstaka (combo pentagram swastika) shows up amid the blood.
Episode 4: It turns out Richie is part of an HOA. He’s forced to attend a meeting where they talk about who puts out their garbage when. Richie laughs, puts on his jetpack, and says, “Just tell my butler when to do it and he’ll get it done. Enjoy your neighborhood student council or whatever the hell this is.” Then he zooms off.
Episode 5: Road trip! Richie hits the road in an RV so long he spends the entire time making his way from the back of the thing to the front. Think Snowpiercer but with more carpeting.
Episode 6: After seeing a fellow rich person light a cigar with a $100 dollar bill, Richie becomes obsessed with the idea and starts assembling things that can be lit on fire. Candles, fireplaces, firepits. He finds a nearby kid’s birthday just so he can go and light the candles with a hundo.
Episode 7: Because of some clause involved in his inheritance, Richie must spend one day a year entertaining the requests of alleged long-lost family members. They come, make pitches, and he’s super bored. Until someone pitches a way for Richie to fund an island where it’s legal to hunt the deadliest prey…man (with a gun).
Episode 8: Richie goes through his enemies list and exacts elaborate revenge on everyone who has ever wronged him.
Episode 9: Richie discovers the Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. He’s having trouble parting with items until he realizes that it’s not so much about him having stuff as it is about other people NOT having stuff. He puts all his junk in a giant, dollar-sign-shaped swimming pool and lights it all on fire (using a $100 bill, of course. Continuity).
Episode 10: Richie is offered the chance to swap with his doppelganger and work in a factory for a day. Which he doesn’t do. Instead, the entire episode is him explaining that he’s not a moron, he KNOWS working sucks, and he doesn’t really see the point of doing something that he knows he’s going to hate. “I can be fairly certain that inserting a pin into my eye would not be fun, and I’m not interested in confirming my suspicion.””