“Decent, although there wasn’t a whole lot going on. Dick Grayson is pretending to work for an evil-ish organization while he dismantles it from the inside. I get it, but at the same time, I was kinda excited to see Dick Grayson just being a straight-up superspy. Why not? He’s like the perfect guy for it, and as long as we didn’t get into James Bond territory, I’d be cool.
I’ll say, there’s an issue at the end stuck in here from a limited series called Futures End where I guess DC characters died. And there’s no fanfare or anything, so all of a sudden you’re just reading this issue where Grayson is Russian and the other characters are kinda the same but also off-model. Oh, and the whole story goes backwards. Which I think only works when the story ALSO works forwards. To put it another way, I think people backwards-ize a story because it’s no great shakes, so we’ll just maybe trick people into thinking it’s better than it is.
Anyway, Robin Bond.
Uh…is this the right place to admit that I don’t really care about James Bond at all?
Goldeneye on N64 was the time when I cared about James Bond the most. But other than that? There are some serious problems with some of the movies.
Casino Royale (original):
Actually, this movie is totally bonkers. The ending takes place in a casino where James Bond is fighting people, Woody Allen is stumbling around and belching animated, colorful clouds, Cowboys and Indians parachute in and fight each other, a roulette wheel flies into the air and spins and shoot people, and…is that not enough? Because there IS more. And frankly, I have no fucking idea how they made another Bond movie after that, but it seems like a great one to watch if you want to create some kind of drinking game and take a trip to the hospital.
Tomorrow Never Dies:
A guy creates a stealth boat that allows him to somehow take over the news. It IS kinda fun to think about him in the seas now, using his stealth boat to write stuff like The Top 10 Reasons You Will Not Question Stealth Boat News (And Number 18 Is Going To Make You JUST SHIT).
You Only Live Twice:
Script by Roald Dahl? Maybe that explains space. And the ninjas.
Goldfinger:
Oh yeah, that thrilling sequence where Bond catches Goldfinger cheating at cards.
Casino Royale (2nd edition):
Oh yeah, the longest fucking poker scene ever in a movie where there’s also people running around and shooting each other. My god was that not exciting. How do you have a crazy parkour chase up a crane and then a scene where people play cards?
From Russia With Love:
Remember SMERSH? The Russian agency with the name that sounds like an obnoxious name people in relationships call each other. I love YOU, Smersh. No I love YOU, Smersh!
Oh, and lest we forget, the Bond girls.
Honey Ryder. Sexual, but also kind of gross.
Pussy Galore. Really went balls-out early on that one. What woman is named Pussy?
Kissy Suzuki. Kind of disappointing to go from Pussy Galore to Kissy Suzuki. If I was scrolling through screen names on a dating site, I know which one I’d ABSOLUTELY click on.
Bambi Thumper. A vaguely sexual combo of two Disney characters.
Plenty O’Toole. See, this one is wasted because that is a GREAT name for a male porn star.
Mary Goodnight. Eh, sounds like a WWI nurse.
Holly Goodhead. Not Greathead? If we’re going that far, why not go all out?
Octopussy. *stands and claps. Never ceases*
Wai Lin. At least things are a little less white. Although I’m not sure of the origin of Octopussy.
Dr. Christmas Jones. Named exclusively for the joke about Christmas coming twice this year.
Dr. Molly Warmflesh. That’s DOCTOR Warmflesh.
Elektra King. That sounds pretty hot. Remember that ancient porno where that girl had sex with her dad and made her mom watch? Good stuff.
Strawberry Fields. Not as much a fan of later Beatles, honestly. Not like a boner level fan anyway.
Xenia Onatopp. You’re not fooling me by throwing an X in there. Nice try. Although the last name is good, assuming that you’re not someone who can only finish in doggie. Which, haha, is TOTALLY not me, and I really feel bad for those people because I can only IMAGINE how difficult that must be to be limited like that, but oh well, since it’s definitely not me, I don’t spend much time thinking about it and Googling solutions.”