After spending several years with these close, close friends, it was time to let them go. Pass them on.
I pulled them down from the shelf, and the batteries were very low but still functioning just the tiniest bit. Even after all this time. Sigh.
Although THIS is pretty goddamn stupid:
Hulk Hands? No. These are clearly fists. They are in a fist form. You could not possibly do anything hands-y with these. Oh, you have some knitting to do? Well, might I suggest putting these on? It’s the worst thing you could do.
And the second line? I’m not even sure how to penetrate what’s being implied here. Are they saying that these are not intended for ACTUAL crimefighting? That they should not be used in a sexual/fisting situation (I put a slash in there because even fisting has its limits where it goes beyond sexual and turns into just seeing what objects can be fit into what people). Are they warning us to not use these as building material? I just don’t understand what other purpose these would serve, and of TWO total cautions the one is really not a caution at all.
The second caution, however, is even stupider. DO NOT STRIKE ANY PERSON, ANIMAL, OR OBJECT.
So basically, don’t punch anything with these. With these Hulk fists. That have sensors in the knuckles that, when the fists punch something, are activated and make smashing noises.
Am I to understand that these noises are unintended consequences? Or maybe even set up as a warning that these fists are being used to *gasp* punch the holy shit out of some shit?
It’s interesting too how the items are listed in order of what you would want to punch most. Object, we’d all start with a wall or something. Just test the waters. Animal, who doesn’t want to punch a dog with these? If you don’t want to punch a dog with these, you either love dogs too much or too little, but either way it’s not the right amount and you’d get more out of dogs if you made an adjustment. And finally, a Person. Isn’t that the thing we all want to punch most? Is there anyone who says, I got so mad that I punched a dude out, but it was not nearly as satisfying as punching drywall like the other times.
I brought them in to give away, and someone at work said, “Are those yours? Why do you have those?”
This was obviously a person who has never actually put on Hulk hands. Or fantasized about hulking out and flipping a car over on a dog (in this case, an evil dog, okay? It had to be flattened for safety). What do these sickos think about all day? What weird fantasies could they possibly be having? Hope I get a 40-cent raise sometime in the next eight months. That seems reasonable.
Giving away the fists was hard. But upon receiving them, the first thing the recipient punched was the dog. So while they might not be in my apartment anymore, the spirit is being carried on.