“Ha! A hoot. And a half, maybe. I mean, it’s not like there’s any big, great shakes, but Skottie Young’s illustrations of kid heroes is awesome, plus he’s not afraid to throw in a blind Daredevil gag.
It took me back to the days of What The–?!
Yes, the Marvel Mag Of Mirth And Mayhem. The series that saw Marvel skewer its own characters in Mad Magazine style. Y’know, shit like Thanos using the Infinity Gauntlet as a barbecue mitt. Which you totally could do. Or a lady Wolverine, which…totally happened later on. What’s next, lady Ghostbusters?
Can we talk about lady Ghostbusters for a second? We’re done with this review, right? Anyone who reads the shit I write on here knows the reviews BARELY have anything to do with the books. It’s like, “We get it Cormac McCarthy, you’re like the perfect writer. Now let me tell you about something that happened to me at the grocery store.”
It’s become this political thing to declare whether or not you’re going to see the new lady Ghostbusters movie. And I think that’s really weird.
If I may, I saw the trailer for the new Ninja Turtles movie. My god. What the fuck? What in the actual fuck? I don’t know why that exists, I don’t know who’s excited. I don’t know why Megan Fox is still a thing and why she’s in a schoolgirl outfit. That’s SO Jennifer’s Body, you guys.
I only bring up TMNT because I would be WAY more interested to hear someone say, “I’m going to that movie” than I would to hear whether or not someone’s going to Ghostbusters. Because what is inside that person’s head? Are we 100% sure that TMNT isn’t just a trap, and when someone asks for a ticket they aren’t rounded up and brought to some facility to be studied?
Look, see it, don’t see it. I don’t really care. The entire internet, to me, sounds like when you go to the movies, and there’s some fuckhead who has to say, “That looks good” after every trailer. WE DON’T CARE. I assume you’re not the reincarnation of Roger Ebert, that they didn’t set a bunch of shit in front of you and you reached for some round, thick framed glasses when you were a baby, proving your heritage. I don’t really care which movies you’re seeing, The Internet, and I DEFINITELY don’t care which movies you’re not seeing.
As for me, well, I’ve developed my criteria well in advance, and so I don’t really make movie decisions anymore. My criteria are pretty straightforward, and I suggest you all adopt them.
If your film contains:
Superheroes that aren’t Superman
Someone who is referred to as a “Demolition Man”
A police sergeant who screams at someone
Mad Max: Fury Road
Then I’m probably going.
If your movie contains:
Stallone, but NOT referred to as a “Demolition Man.”
A super prison of some kind
A star war
Then I’m probably going drunk.
As for the rest, fuck it. It’s a roll of the dice and depends on how hungry I am for popcorn.”