“Oh no, your parents are coming! We gotta hide this boner somewhere, quick!”
“I picked up your prescription, honey. Oh, man, looks like it’s a suppository. Let me read the directions…Let’s see…Take one pill in the butt every half second…Place pill on tip of penis…Okay, I think I got this.”
“I heard that you’re supposed to keep having sex right through the third trimester to keep things loosened up. Hmm…this particular parenting book doesn’t really specify which hole…I think that, to be on the safe side, we better do a little of everything. After all, this is for the children. Our future.”
“I Love You.”
“Sometimes I have a really hard time locating your spot. So don’t be alarmed if I start off in the wrong end. And whatever you do, don’t say anything right away. I might get spooked. The best way to handle this is to pretend that everything’s cool, then after I fall asleep you go and cry alone in the shower stall, wondering why a grown man has Johnson&Johnson No More Tears Shampoo.”
“This is weird, but I was wondering if you would help me hang up this picture. The thing is, it looks like somebody cut slits in my ladder and I’m a little worried about the rungs cracking. But you’re lighter. I was thinking too that if you go up naked that’ll be about a pound less and then it’ll be safer. That’s also why I’m naked. I was going to do it myself. I’ll stand at the bottom and catch you with…arms if you fall naked onto me naked.”
“If you have butt sex with me, I will never ask again.”
“Really? You don’t do that? Oh, oh my, I’m so sorry. Someone told me…it’s not important who. I just…okay, alright, it was Bridgette, okay? Wow, what a weird rumor to spread about someone. You know how you could get back at her? Maybe what you should do is send her a card, and in the card you say, ‘Thanks for turning me onto butt sex. It feels AMAZING and I don’t think I would have ever done it otherwise.’ ”
-1 week later
“Bridgette? Hey, this is Pete. Oh, haha, yeah, that was awkward, huh? No, we broke up. I don’t know. Just wasn’t realy working. She kind of wanted to do the…butt stuff all the time. She said everyone should try it, you know? Anyway, yeah, I can come over and help you hang up some pictures and stuff. I brought my own ladder. I have a couple concerns with it. But we can cover that when I get there. Okay, bye.”