Chapter 1:
In chapter one of Modelland we’re introduced to a whole lot of mess. A whole mess of stuff.
First mess, Tooke De La Creme. Our heroine.
Let’s not beat around the bush. Tookie is teenage Tyra. No doubt about it.
And yes, we all go through our awkward phases. Tyra, like a lot of beautiful people, is quick to point out that she was an “ugly duckling” of sorts until she blossomed into adulthood. This is like the most common thing that beautiful people love to say. How they know what it’s like to be an uggo because they were once unattractive too. They identify with our struggle. They weren’t always one of the most beautiful people on an entire planet.
Let me tell you something, and this comes from the uggos.
First of all, nobody is hot when they’re 11, the age at which Tyra apparently lost 30 lbs. and grew 3 inches in as many months. So to identify with my people because you weren’t hot until you were ELEVEN is just goddamn nuts.
Secondly, it’s not being ugly for a time that’s difficult. It’s accepting that you are and will remain not hot. While I totally get that you look back on that period and shudder, might I advise that you don’t try to bring us uggos onto your side by explaining that you were ugly too…before you got hot? As an uggo, you have to accept that you are not and never will be hot. So saying that you know the feels, it’s like telling a paraplegic that you understand because your leg fell asleep once.
And third, the ugly duckling is the stupidest story ever. We ALL learn a great lesson because this duck is really ugly and has low self-esteem, and then he gets hot. So I guess the lesson is wait and then you’ll get hot, so don’t worry about it? Because every adult goes through a hot phase?
I always wondered about, what if you could know the hottest point of your whole life. Like if a genie could say on this date, at this time, you will be the hottest you’ll ever be. Would that be good or bad? I guess you could take a picture.
Back to the book, Tookie de la Creme is Tyra, no doubt. She describes herself physically to a T(yra) except that Tookie has one yellow eye and one…I don’t know, probably an eye made of fire or something? Purple? Who gives a shit.
And what’s weird about it is that Tookie calls herself a Forgetta-Girl. As in a forgettable girl, someone nobody really remembers even after they meet her.
This is Tyra Banks. A woman who moved to Milan to model when she was 16. First African-American woman on Sports Illustrated Swimsuit’s cover and Victoria’s Secret’s cover. These might or might not align with your definition of success, but I don’t know if there are a lot more ways a person can be told they are attractive.
And so, in describing Tookie, Tyra describes her flaws. Tall forehead. Wild hair. Aaaand that’s pretty much it.
Reading this, it just made me feel like I must be uglier than I thought. Because my flaws at fifteen? Holy shit. I don’t need to get down on myself, but there was acne on a level of medical intervention.
You know, a good test of how hot you are might be the Tyra-Milan test. Tyra’s looks took her to Milan. That’s how far she could leverage looks. Looks per mile, if you will. My looks? I mean, I rode the bus. And I paid for the bus. I couldn’t even get a bus driver, a public figure we’ve all acknowledged to be creepy, to notice me and let me ride free. What does that tell you?
So Tookie is basically hot but doesn’t know it. Instead of doing what hot people do in school, like…I don’t know, wearing letter jackets and stuff, Tookie skips class and lays around in the hallway, shooting whip cream in her mouth straight from the can.
And already I start getting the idea that Tyra was so busy modeling at 15 that she doesn’t even really know how school works. Because Tookie is the bestest school-skipper of all time, and she skips class to lay around in the hallway. She doesn’t even leave the school. Just hangs out there so we can be introduced to some more characters.
More characters? Well, surely we don’t need any more characters, you must be saying. But Modelland, like whatever dumb TV station, has a “characters welcome” philosophy.
We meet Myrracle. Myrracle is Tookie’s sister, and just in case you weren’t sure which child was the golden child, one of them is named Myrracle. Our introduction to her is pretty brief. Myrracle sings some song about how she and Tookie don’t share DNA as she passes in the hallway. Which is really dumb. I mean, if there was one thing that’s not going to hurt your sister, it’s a completely made-up non-fact. They do share DNA. I think. Maybe it’s a by-marriage thing? Maybe that’s how we’re supposed to figure it out.
Anyway, all we need to know about Myrracle is that she’s the bratty bitch favorite.
Then we meet Zarpressa. She is the bratty bitch favorite too. But favorite of the love interest as opposed to Tookie’s parents.
Which brings us to Theophilus Lovelaces. The love interest.
Who is Theo? Well, he’s the handsome, if short, class president awesome cool guy who is kind and does everything right except for dating one of the worst humans on the planet.
Did this…did this happen in real life? Okay, I feel like there were a lot of jerks in school who dated people. And there were times I was maybe jealous of that on some level(?) I don’t know if jealous is the right word. Curious?
I felt like it was real at the time, but when I look at it now, as an adult, I just feel like most of the people I thought were jerks really weren’t that bad, and the ones who were jerks maybe dated people, but the people they dated were pretty much jerks too. There was a lot more jerk on jerk action than I thought because…well, boobs. And butts. People who had those things seemed nice to me and people who didn’t, didn’t. Because I was dumb. It’s a logic that only applies for about three years of youth, when a person says, “Well, this person is attractive, so they CAN’T be bad.”
And yet, perpetually in movies you’ve got a really attractive woman (usually) dating a total asshead guy. This perfect, kind, sweet, hot lady, and she’s with the most reprehensible human in the entire movie. And when she transitions away from this jerk, it’s to our hero, who is the polar opposite. None of it makes sense.
However, all of that is really more a critique of a common narrative. It’s not nearly the worst of Modelland’s sins. Really, at least it’s a plot I’m familiar with, so I feel like I SORT OF know what’s happening there. The use of a cliched plot device, the aligning of the love interest with the enemy, is one of the better parts of the book so far because at least it’s something I understand.
Let’s talk about the main action in this chapter.
Theo is wearing a button. It’s printed with his campaign slogan for his bid for class president, and his campaign slogan is “VOTE FOR LOVE.” Which, I guess, refers to his ridiculous name, which means “Lover of God.” I don’t know. I don’t know that Tyra picked these names with a lot of purpose, except for Myrracle. Oh, and Creamy. Creamy de la Creme. I don’t know whether she looked into the names or sort of picked them from the world’s worst hat.
What I do know is that the button falls from Theo’s jacket, gets kicked all around the halls of the school, stepped on, all this stuff. I’ll let Tyra explain what Tookie sees when she retrieves the button:
The poor thing was badly damaged, dented and slimy from its voyage. In fact, it no longer said VOTE FOR LOVE. Instead, the V and O and E of the first word were gone, the F and R of the second were totally erased, and of the last word, the L was knocked into nonexistence and the V was scratched so badly it resembled a K, but the E remained intact. Tookie almost threw the button back into the trash before her eyes focused again and she saw that it now spelled its own version of…her.
T O OKE
Okay. Let’s hold the phone.
What Tyra did here was to create this sort of fate-based incident. A button is mangled and kicked around, and the text changes from VOTE FOR LOVE to T O OKE.
The problem I have isn’t with a fate-based coincidence here, even though it’s kind of stupid because the only thing that makes coincidence interesting is when it’s real. Or possibly prophecised way ahead of time the way it is in a book like A Prayer for Owen Meany.
The problem I have is that this is a set up coincidence, so why not make it so that it, I don’t know, MAKES FUCKING SENSE!?
Tyra can put in whatever fucking words she wants. Why not something that could actually wind up looking like “Tooke” or for that matter, THE ACTUAL SPELLING OF THE NAME TOOKIE!?!!?!??! Tyra gets to make it up, and she makes it up unfinished. What the fuck? Guys, what the fuck?
Is that her threshold of believability? If she added the one extra letter, it’d be too wild? I shouldn’t just assume that she’s throwing CRAZY SHIT out there willy-nilly?
But I wish she would have THOUGHT about it. Because god knows I have. Here are just a few things that could result in Tookie and still be campaign slogans on the level of VOTE FOR LOVE:
Theo: The Look, The Brains, The Prez
Vote for Theo, Keep It Real
Time To Rock The Presidency
I mean, they aren’t awesome, but this is 5 minutes of thinking here. I didn’t even use the word TOOK which is pretty low-hanging fruit. Or TOO. Really, there are so many good options it’s ridiculous.
While I have you here, let’s just wrap up the chapter with the weird shit Tyra throws into the book and pretty much abandons in just a little bit.
T-Mail Jail: What Tookie calls her notebook. She uses it to write letters to her friends that no one will read. It’s also adorned with scribbles begging people to look inside, the reverse of the old KEEP OUT and TOP SECRET. At first I thought this was a really dumb version of reverse psychology, but the chapter made me think that Tookie is actually SO DESPERATE to be noticed that she wants people to read her secret diary. She really is pathetic. She keeps lamenting how nobody notices her, but maybe they’re turned off by the way she lays on the floor in the hallway and writes words like PLEASE READ ME on the cover of her notebook.
TDOD: The Day of Discovery. This is the day when girls are whisked away to Modelland. It is coming right up, believe it or not. Something Tyra really likes is making sort-of acronyms. Something Tyra is not very good at is making sort-of acronyms. For example, did it not occur to her to leave out THE and OF and call it DD or Double-D? Which also has a second meaning in the world of clothing and fashion?
B3: The stupid name for the school Tookie attends, which is called B3 because it used to be a factory that made Buttons…Baubles and Bullshit? I don’t know. It made three things and they all started with B, and then it was converted from a factory into a school for no fuckin reason. And the vents belch weird gases from time to time and no one seems interested in that.
As part of this review, I did also want to talk a little Tyra, explain a little of how this book came to be. While I was looking into this, I kept seeing that Tyra was a Harvard grad. Which blew my fucking mind. Not because I think all beautiful people are dumb, but because I think Tyra is kind of dumb.
Okay, there’s this whole idea that anyone who is successful must be SORT OF smart. The kind of, “If she’s so dumb, why is she more successful than you?” kind of thinking. Or this idea that so and so knows how to market himself. He’s not only a successful board shorts model, but he’s actually a really savvy business man.
My personal theory, we created these narratives because we don’t want to believe that some people just get things. That sometimes luck is a factor, and that sometimes a fool gets lucky. It’s a comforting narrative because it gives us a reason not to try for shit. Sure, Tyra is a novelist, but she’s a Harvard grad. I’m not a Harvard grad, therefore it’s cool not to hold myself to her standard.
So let’s just toss out this Harvard grad business out the door.
Tyra did attend Harvard. But she didn’t get a degree. She got a certificate for completing course work in the Owner/President Management Program, which does not grant degrees or academic titles. The classes do not even count towards any degree programs. Jezebel wrote a long article about it, and I’ll sum up what they seemed to be getting at: The application to the OPMP asks about your current income, and as of 3 years ago the cost for a single course was $33,000. Sounds to me like Harvard has set aside a few courses for rich people who want to say they went to Harvard.
To say Tyra went to Harvard, that’s like me saying “I played basketball at Duke” when what I did was play a game of basketball on the Duke campus with other people who were just around.
There you go. Get back to work on your novel or whatever.
As for me, I’ll get back to work on Tyra’s novel. See you next time for chapter 2.