Welcome!
If you’re reading this, you are one of our newest employees. Hopefully you are wearing your gigantic, un-ironed button-up shirt that makes it look like you raided your dad’s closet for garments he wore before his amazing weight loss plan completely changed his life. So now you wear his fat shirts, the ones he was saving so he could just show people, which was pretty annoying anyway.
The good news is that this is a quick read because you don’t need to know A THING about phones. Seriously. In fact, if you know things about phones, it will only prevent you from best selling crazy attachable lights that race around the perimeter of your phone.
Besides, people aren’t coming to you for knowledge. Not the smart ones anyway. If you can’t even score a mall store with a roof, you’re clearly not doing well. These pagodas and carts and weird midmall units are obviously for the dregs of society.
Let me just once again say welcome.
Now, the key to our sales is an aggressive, real annoying pitch. Here are some starter lines:
“Hey, you got a phone?”
This is basically a trick question. Of course they have a phone. Why wouldn’t they? But in the time that it takes them to answer, you can sidle up into striking distance, which is about three feet away and the maximum effective distance of most of today’s body sprays, which you should apply liberally in order to disorient and confuse your marks.
“Do you have a phone I can borrow?”
Another trick. Once you have their phone in hand, you make a quick clicking sound and say, “Man. This phone ain’t hot. Let me show you what I got over here.” The risk is obviously that 90% of the phones people have are actually pretty cool. Much better than our shit phones. But you don’t know that, and what you don’t know can’t fuck up a sale, as we say.
“Hey bro!”
Does it send a chill down your spine? No? Then you’re definitely the right man for the job.
As far as your work hours, it’s all damn day. But you mostly stand there texting, so the time will really fly. And you will be SOOOOOO good at texting.
Also, you are entitled to a lunch break. “Lunch” being defined as a $8 pretzel. “Break” being defined as however long it takes you to walk to the pretzel place and then eat said pretzel in your car in the parking lot, quietly weeping.
Alright, Cell, Sell, Cell on three!