Well, it looks like our branch of the robotic cop project has found its endpoint. But we still need to find a home for this ED 209 unit.
Before we get too far into this, you should know that this unit not only has the ability to shoot you, but also that it most likely will. Somehow he has trouble knowing the difference between automatic weapons and some similarly-shaped objects, such as sticks, batons, and Pringles cans. Also, he has trouble knowing the difference between you assaulting a police officer and you lying on the ground with your hands behind your head, gently weeping as he counts down the last seconds of your life.
“Why not give him eyes so that he can tell what the fuck is going on?” you might be asking.
Oh, this might be a good opportunity to also point out that he has no eyes, which some people find unnerving.
Because we only wanted to use this unit to shoot and kill, his hands are guns. They have no use besides shooting. Again, kind of a design flaw when you consider how many things can be done by hands and how few can be done by guns. In fact, gun hands can only shoot. Hand hands, however, can do a myriad of other tasks. Including shooting guns.
Point being, he’s not much help around the house unless you feel like you might be involved in some kind of seige or apocalyptic scenario. Even then, don’t pick up a broom, telephone, or approach the ED 209 in any way for any reason.
This unit, as we discovered far later, is only practical for use in a ranch-style home. This unit is unable to navigate stairs, up or down. Even a wheelchair can go down, at least. We attempted to create some kind of wheelchair for him, but the project was halted before we could figure out a way to create a wheeled chair that could roll and also support 8 tons.
Anyway, $40 billion O.B.O.