Dear Lil’ Buddies,
Howz it goin’? Sorry, I know you hate it when I try to be cool, homies. But let me tell you about something that’s really not cool: Dog death.
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Dear Kids,
Remember how things used to be before we had a dog? Like remember the best birthday you ever had before the dog. Well, now every day can be like that, except without balloons, cake, presents, friends, and napkins.
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Dear Son,
First off, let me just tell you that my father always told me It’s okay to cry. That’s probably why I’m such a pansy. So the dog is super dead, and don’t cry otherwise no one will like you.
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Dear Daughter,
I know that you’ve really grown into your own, but you should not touch yourself. How else can you explain the fact that God struck down the dog last night by having him jump the fence and hang himself by his leash?
~
Guys,
I don’t know how to say it, so I’ll just say it: Last night Tina was there, peeing on the floor like any other day, and all of a sudden an axe I was swinging fell onto her head and split her in half. Let’s all try to make the best of it. Your chores today are cleaning up the corpse (gloves provided).