…setting places for four people and only including 2 coffee cups. I guess it’s a gamble that sometimes pays off. People don’t all want coffee. But it puts me in a light panic when you have to run off to find another cup because I’m always thinking, “This is it. This is the day they don’t have another cup and I have the worst breakfast of all time.” I AM a bit pissy because it’s the morning and I’m not in bed anymore, but please, this little reassurance will help.
…making your own menus with very beige photos of the food. Have you seen an Applebee’s menu? If I’d never heard of Applebee’s and found one of their menus, even if I found it in the goddamn sewer, I’d be scrambling up the sewer hole to drive straight over there. That shit looks great. Your food is the exact opposite. It looks better in real life! How does this happen? If your food was on an OKCupid dating profile, it’d be getting half the dates it deserved because you were using a photo from French Toast’s absolutely worst day.
…naming things cute. I know it seems lazy to name the bacon and cheese omelet “Bacon & Cheese Omelet”, but when I have to say phrases like, “I’ll have the Whole Hog Platter with a side of wavy wacky bacon” it melts away a little piece of my soul like Alien blood melting through Hicks’ body armor. Trust me, long after the novelty has faded for you, it’s still humiliating for me. I’ve ordered shit I didn’t even want just to avoid ordering the Little Piggy Breakfast.
…using tiny bowls for creamer. Somehow we all accepted this, but the vessel is clearly wrong for the job. You can barely fit any in there, and taking one is like playing dairy Jenga. I like a thrill as much as the next guy who has no interest in thrills whatsoever, but I have no interest in thrills whatsoever.
…refilling coffee when I’ve had one sip. I know, this is one of those rich people problems, right? Oh, the coffee! It’s so endless! I can’t tell where one cup begins and another ends! Which they NEVER DO! Really, though. It’s a confusing social situation for me. Am I a needy weirdo for having you fill the cup by half an ounce? Or am I a difficult weirdo for waving off THIS refill and needing another one later? Where’s the line? Quick suggestion here, glass coffee cups. Then you could see how full it was from across the room. This could revolutionize the diner waitress industry right here.
…telling me the plate is hot when it’s not hot. There needs to be an international standard for the hot plate warning. Because I’ve gotten so many unnecessary ones that now I ignore all of them. THIS WILL SPELL MY DOOM ONE DAY.