As many of you know, I’ve been presented with a prestigious honor. I’ll be keeping a diary of my exploits as one of the greatest librarians on Earth. Here is the first set of entries:
Diary of the Librarian of the Year
Day 1:
Today I found out that I will be crowned Librarian of the Year. I’m pretty excited about this. Mostly for the babes. Some people think this job is about knowledge. I used to think it was all about the babes. Now I think it’s both because you can find babes and they are STUFFED with knowledge. There are babes, and they are vessels of knowledge. It’s win-win.
Day 2:
Last night I celebrated my award with lots of boozes. I was in a bar and trying to explain how babes are stuffed with knowledge to some other babes, and they didn’t know what I was talking about. Probably because I was drunk, maybe because these weren’t the kind of babes who are stuffed with knowledge. They said that if I was really Librarian of the Year, show them my trophy. Which I didn’t have yet because they didn’t give me one. But that didn’t stop me from breaking into the trophy store to steal one that looked sort of like a guy holding a book. It turned out to be a baseball man when I got back in the light at the bar, but I just said part of why I was Librarian of the Year was because I knew a lot about baseball. Then the babes started asking me about baseball, so I had to pretend that I was going to throw up from too much boozes because I don’t know anything about baseball. And the best part was that I had so many boozes and I lost a lot of blood when I punched through the window at the trophy store that I REALLY DID throw up. So it was my lucky night in a lot of ways.
Day 3:
Had letterpress business cards printed up. They said Librarian of the Year. And that’s it. When they got to my office I realized how I should have put my name on them too. But they’re pretty expensive, so I thought I’d have to use these up for now until my endorsement deals roll in.
Day 4:
Decided to buy some new pants to accept my award in. Men’s pants are hard because a lot of them are skinny pants now. I would describe my ass as juicy. I DO describe it as juicy, often, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the juiciness of my ass, which is not to be missed, had something to do with why I won this prestigious award.
Also, need to get better at spelling prestigious, and also need to look up that word. I have a bad habit of thinking that words mean something, and then they don’t mean the thing i thought. If i ever called you “ratchet” I meant it as a compliment, and I’m sorry. It turns out that ratchet is bad. Which is confusing to me because ratchets are so useful and they make that great clicking noise. Like a zipper, but even better. I could spin around a ratchet all day and never get tired of that sound.
Day 5:
Spun a ratchet around the entire day. Missed work. Didn’t eat. So hungry and in trouble.