The only thing worse than giving a gift is giving some garbage to someone you don’t even know.
If you work in a place, you are probably familiar with secret santa. This is a program designed for places where, instead of giving gifts to people you like and letting everyone else be a grown-up about it, you instead buy a gift for one person that you probably don’t know or like.
It starts by drawing names. You put your name in a hat, possibly a Santa hat if you’re in a special version of hell. Then, you pray to draw a name of someone you know well enough to buy something for or one might say, one of the people you might have considered getting a gift out of actual friendship as opposed to company obligation.
Of course, you will draw the name of the absolute worst person. It would seem impossible that everyone involved gets the name of the worst person, but it’s the magic of the season.
Then you go shopping. This is extra fun because everyone sets a limit of about four cents or some other low number that pretty much negates the idea of giving a gift. So you pick out something because it’s an object sold at Target that’s within the price range. If you have trouble, here are some suggestions:
Candles: Always cheap as hell, and people either like them or are very used to throwing them away by now.
Chocolate: If you plan ahead, post-Halloween clearance is a great place to get your secret santa gifts, including chocolates and giant ceramic pumpkins.
Office Supplies: Remember, this is a work gift. Maybe you get someone a pair of nice-ish scissors. After all, you wouldn’t want anyone thinking that you’re some kind of person who likes to give thoughtful items.
Once you give away your gift and try to ignore the disappointment on the recepient’s face, it’s time to receive your own piece of shit gift. It’s hard to hide disdain sometimes, so I recommend using one of the following handy phrases:
“Gee, you know me so well.”
“You really have a talent for stretching three dollars.”
“They are some of the nicer shoehorns I’ve seen.”
Then go home and drink, trying to forget how much time and effort you spent just to keep up this insane practice that results because adults can’t stand just getting gifts for people they actually like, so instead, like the mom who has to give her second kid a gift on the first kid’s birthday, you just keep the gears rolling slowly towards the shitter, which you can mark on your secret santa gift, a calendar of lighthouses.