The plan is to improve myself by going through this book of 52 ways to improve myself. I’ll probably half-ass some of it and screw up the rest in a well-meaning way, but if just one of these things stick, I’m pretty much guaranteed to be a better man. Right?
A food diary. Seems like a great idea. What better way to discuss what I’ve been eating and why?
I didn’t keep a diary like I was supposed to. An entry of everything I ate. Instead, I went for a food diary where I wrote down the most important stuff. Emotionally. I figure it’s cool to go light on the food if you go heavy on the emotions.
Entry: Wendy’s
You can tell Wendy’s is not very good because if you have to wait ten minutes, IN YOUR CAR, BY THE WAY, it feels not worth it. Wendy’s, you should know that in order to be effective, you have to be fast. When it takes me ten minutes, that’s WAY too much time to reconsider my choices. I need to pull into that lot, and I need a burger in my face within 3 minutes. Otherwise, logic and sense kick in. Animal instinct dies.
By the way, fix your sign. The sign at this Wendy’s, it has Wendy on it, but the heat from the bulbs burned out her eyeballs and mouth. So when I say it has Wendy on it, I mean it has a ghoul that possessed the animated corpse of Wendy on it.
Entry: Chocolate-Covered Honey Comb
I don’t even know what I’m eating here. Seems to be a crunchy piece of chalk, though sweet chalk, covered in chocolate. This has convinced me that you can cover anything in chocolate and I’ll eat it. In fact, the weirder, the better. I’ve had wafers in chocolate. But someone tells me they’ve got some chocolate balsa fresh out of the…oven? Would that be necessary? Anyway, you have some piping hot balsalate, I’m in.
Entry: Oatmeal
This Quaker guy looks like Santa, but with a shaved beard so he could walk amongst men during the rest of the year. Which is a weird idea. It’s funny how they make such a big fucking deal that Santa checks his list twice. Twice? In a whole year he looks over an Excel spreadsheet not once, but twice? What a hero.
Entry: Hummus
I wish this stuff didn’t look like blended human flesh. That’s really the only thing I wish for the world, is that hummus would look less like human flesh.
Entry: Gum
This gum says chewing TWO pieces after a meal had all these great health effects. Why two? Since when is it two? That seems like a scam to sell more gum. How about you make one piece effective and charge me more for it? Because I don’t want two pieces of gum. That’s too many and not enough. I want one, or I want eleven.