The plan is to improve myself by going through this book of 52 ways to improve myself. I’ll probably half-ass some of it and screw up the rest in a well-meaning way, but if just one of these things stick, I’m pretty much guaranteed to be a better man. Right?
Just in case the idea of water was too out there for you, this newest piece of advice suggests that you get plenty of sleep.
Again, I think we’re all aware of this idea, right?
Now, as a man of 30, I think I’ve worked this out. 9 hours is the prime amount for me. If I were retired today with nothing to do, I would sleep 9 hours every night. Maybe 10 if I had a ton of Wendy’s, which is to say ANY Wendy’s because it’s not like I go and have 1 Wendy’s item. If I had Wendy’s, I might need an extra hour or so of sleep to really get out the good salt sweats.
My sleep patterns are really unfortunate because I think they lead people to believe that I’m lazy. Which I’m really not. I had a whole idea about justifying that statement, but I don’t care to. That’s not fun.
And as is tradition on this blog, rather than boring you with math, trust me when I say that you cannot sleep 9 hours a night and work full time. Some other part of your life will suffer.
So here’s what I’m bitching about here. I don’t think it’s possible to sleep 9 hours a night AND have a full-time job. It’s just not. Even if that’s all you do, you’ll get behind. You can’t work that much and sleep that much and do all the little things you have to do just to maintain those two things, laundry and cooking and write that check for your expired car tags and that other check for new checks from the bank because you probably won’t need them, but FUCK you might need them.
With all that in mind, maybe there are some ways to get more out of sleep? Quality over quantity? I remember reading that Batman took small catnaps throughout the day to make up for his nights out. Which really tells you all you need to know about executives. They can sleep all damn day if they’re willing to train at staying upright.
In the past I’ve tried a couple things to up my sleep quality.
-Sleep aids
Now, these are the over-the-counter variety. They’re okay. The problem, and let’s add this to the list, science, is that they mostly provide that Nyquil kind of sleep. Yeah, it’s better than the waking nightmare that is being NOT asleep. But it kind of feels like you can take them, and the best part of sleep comes from about 11AM to 4PM when you’re sleeping off the medicine hangover. This is great news for my inevitable bouts with unemployment, but until then, not so much a long term solution.
-Sleepytime Tea
I don’t care what anyone says, this is bullshit.
-Warm baths with lavendar
Yes, I went this far. And it didn’t do shit.
Now, there’s always helpful advice about sleep.
-Don’t consume alcohol within a million hours of sleeping.
No problem. I’ll do my drinking exclusively at the brunches I attend with my fellow Manhattan socialites.
-Don’t consume caffeine.
The one bright light in my day? Just let that go? Sounds great!
-Don’t exercise before going to bed.
Again, I’ll simply exercise once I’m drunk. I bet bench press is easy when you’re too loaded to feel pain.
-Don’t eat before going to bed.
This one always seemed crazy to me. I mean, what better time for your body to digest than while you’re asleep? Because hell, I know the worst time is when I’m running full speed. There’s not much that’s more opposite of running full speed than sleeping full speed.
-Don’t do anything besides sleep in your bedroom.
This is one of my favorites. Number one, I live in a studio apartment, so unless I want to start taking my meals in the bathroom, which I do not, it’s going to be tough.
I also wonder about where these people have sex. Do they have a separate sex room? Is this what a guest room is really all about? When I stay in someone’s guest room, am I sleeping in the accumulation of the last several years of sex juices? Because really, how many goddamn guests stay over at your place every month?
The most helpful thing I could think to do was see what the internet might have to offer in terms of sleepytime advice.
I started with the Mayo Clinic, then moved on to the second-most reliable source of medical informaiton, Oprah.
1. Stick To A Schedule
This is the stupidest advice. It’s like that shit where someone says, “Remember, the best way to prevent a foosball injury is to never play foosball.” You know how people always say that? It’s just so impractical. All the best stuff happens at night, all the stuff you want to do, but all the requirement stuff happens in the morning. You’re trapped.
2. Eat right
Already covered.
3. Create a bedtime ritual
This one goes on to describe a warm bath with the lights dimmed. Why can’t they just come out and tell you to jack off? I’ll take that advice. Believe me, if there’s ever been something that I can honestly respond “I’ll take it under advisement”, this is it.
4. Get comfortable
Then they say how you should insist on separate sleeping quarters for children and pets. No kidding. I didn’t have to sleep in my mom’s bed, and I always assumed it was because I would keep her up all night. With my attractiveness.
5. Limit Daytime Naps
This is the best. Assholes, if I had nap time, I wouldn’t need the sleep at night.
6. Include Physical Activity In Your Daily Routine
I’m pretty good on this one. See the above jacking off thing.
7. Limit Stress
Ah, simply limit stress. How did I not think of that one?
Mayo? More like Mayo-be Not! Take that, medical community!
Let’s see if Oprah can do any better.
1. Good Bedding
Oprah says that Consumer Reports says that people who spent 15 minutes testing a mattress in a store were much happier with their purchase. Yeah, maybe THEY are, but I’M not happy with them on the mattress for 15 goddamn minutes.
Look, I’d love to test drive a car cross-country for several weeks. Why can’t I take a “test jack” when I’m perusing pornography? Because there’s a time that’s appropriate, and that time is very short.
2. Light Therapy
This isn’t a lesser version of therapy, a light conversation that favors, “So, how’s it goin’?” as opposed to “Tell me about your father’s lips.” No, they’re suggesting creative use of lights. They don’t actually tell you HOW to do this, but suggest you see a sleep therapist, which has to be the ultimate scamjob of all time.
3. Dark Therapy
Again, not a deeper form of therapy where they DO ask about your father’s lips. Keep shit dark in your place.
What we’ve learned so far is that I’m getting either TOO MUCH light or NOT ENOUGH. It’s one or the other, or neither, but a good start would be screwing around with the blinds.
4. Behavioral Therapy
Surely one of these will endorse actual therapy. But not this one.
The idea is to only go to bed when you’re tired, and if you lay there for 20 minutes, get up.
I have this debate with myself a lot when I don’t sleep. I think, Surely just staying still in bed with my eyes closed is better than being up, right? Right?
5. Acupuncture
Ha, thanks a lot, but I think if I passed on acupuncture for crippling depression, there’s very little chance I’ll take it for sleep. Nice try.
6. Herbal Supplements
Ha, thanks a lot, but I think if I passed…oh. I already said that shit. Well, truth is hard to deny.
So, looks like I’m fucked on the sleep front. There’s just nothing I’m ready to give up for more sleep. It’s too bad because I feel so much better when I sleep. But I guess I’ve made my decision: shorter life feeling like crap beats longer life feeling great.
I’m so dumb.