We all know how I feel about mommy blogs. Right?
Just in case: Not fun, not funny. Just dumb.
And then the other day I came upon a Daddy Blog.
What’s a Daddy Blog you may ask?
Well, you would think it’s about being a dad. But actually, it’s a mommy blog written by a man. In this particular case, the fellow was defending breastfeeding in public.
What a shitbag. Not because I’m against breastfeeding in public. I call him a shitbag because defending breastfeeding is such an easy thing. AND WHO THE FUCK IS COMPLAINING ABOUT WOMEN BREASTFEEDING IN PUBLIC? I keep seeing this as a topic and wondering how many people are actually being told that this act is disgusting.
It’s fine. I don’t know. I get it. I think it’s gross you had a baby. But we can’t put that cat back in the uterus, so you have to feed the lil’ fucker. I see a lot worse things that a breast filled with milk during a given day, believe me.
Maybe we’re referring to the looks that mothers are getting, or how those looks are being interpreted. Because yes, I may do the occasional double-take. Because let’s be honest, you just don’t see a breast whipped out that often. And then a baby is all over it and we move on. But I think I’m enough of a grown-up to acknowledge that it’s not something I see every day, so it can be a bit of a startle. I know that there’s a difference between whipping out a breast at a wet t-shirt contest and to feed a baby, mostly the difference between getting beads and not getting beads, but fair is fair. If men, for a year or so of their lives, had to take out their balls and rest them on a baby’s head for some nutritional/developmental reason, are you telling me that you wouldn’t look twice?
Anyway, his little blog was a complete piece of shit, and to prove it, I’ve copied the entirety here and edited just a few things to make a point about peeing in public.
I’ve long been a proponent of this. At least downgrading it from a sex crime. Because I just need to pee, and fearing that I’ll be a ex offender when I could have just pissed myself seems strange.
Anyway, I’ll let this dumb bastard make my point for me:
Here is the best defence for emergency peeing in public:
Grow Up.
Grow up, and stop being a child. Stop being a stupid, churlish, simpering, nimrod, and accept the fact that men release pee with their penises. Or better yet, die, get reincarnated as a Finn, and be naked more often around your parents and family, while sweating, whipping each other with vihtas, so that you can see that nudity is not scary, and you have nothing to fear.
What is the issue here? Is it because it makes you squeamish? Is that your rationale? Your reasoning? Because, you do realize, that you are asking men not to pee in an emergency, don’t you?
Here’s an idea: How about you don’t look at it? If it bugs you, avert your gaze. Because I’ll tell you what makes me squeamish: your squeamishness. Actually, it makes me furious.
Men need to urinate. Mammals have evolved the ability to produce waste and expel it from their bodies. This is an accepted reality across the globe. Are you unaware of this fact? Were you grown in a lab? What in all that is unholy is wrong with you?
Is it the penis? Is it that a man has uncovered a part of a penis in public? Is that it?
Fine. Then we should also outlaw tight pants and board shorts. Let’s do that first, then we’ll outlaw peeing in pubilc. Outlaw strip clubs, bachelorette party penis decorations, and Magic Mike. While you’re at it, you’ll have to add Spring Break, Daytona Beach, Myrtle Beach, and most of southern California to the list, since you see way more penis outlines in those places, than you ever would from men emergency peeing.
Oh, it’s the urine, is it? It’s a bodily fluid that could possibly spurt from one of those infuriating penises, and land on you, contaminating your body. Or get into the pool water, mix with the chlorine and countless litres of toddler urine, and somehow infect your body with sterile urine?
Ohhhhh … It makes you uncomfortable. It makes you … uncomfortable. Because you are the one exposing a part of your body, that has been sexualized and vilified, in a public area to relieve a pain and discomfort we’ve all experienced. Because you are the one summoning the courage to get over the stigmas and social mores that scream at you not to do it, even though your bladder is aching.
Oh no, wait. That’s the man you’re shaming.
My bad.
How about this: You stop being a pretend baby, and let men do what ACTUAL babies do and pee when they need to..
(Never mind that we have evolved to release our waste products this way. Never mind that you are forcing your personal sense of decency, morality, and decorum, onto others, arbitrarily, and without reason.)
The fact that you are so monumentally immature that you cannot stand idly by while a man urinates, speaks volumes about who you are as an individual.
Because the best defence for emergency peeing in public is that it’s none of your business. That a man does not need to justify the act of releasing waste. That a man, who is harming exactly no one by urinating, wherever he damn well pleases, should never be made to feel ashamed or indecent.
The best defence, therefore, is that you should grow up.
I recommend that you get into your car, drive to somewhere secluded, peaceful, and still, and reflect on what harm a penis, partially visible, mostly hidden behind a pair of hands, can possibly pose to the general public.
Then, when you have had your time out, you can climb down off your mountain, get off your horse, step down from your soapbox, and rejoin the group.
But you have to agree to play nicely with others. Otherwise, you can just hold your pee until you die.