Before Billy even knew what was going on, he was flung through a dimensional portal and tossed around all over the place. Kind of like the Gravitron at the fair, Billy Thought.
Except unlike the Gravitron, this ride didn’t end when a kid puked or a weird carnie was done doing whippets. No, this ride ended when Billy came tumbling out of a glowing portal and into a jungle.
Billy scrambled up to his feet and ran to a nearby tree. The jungle was dense, filled with trees and…well, mostly trees. And probably bugs. If you ever want to be horrified about nature, look up how many bugs a jungle has per square foot. Gah.
Billy hadn’t caught his breath when the explosions started. Everywhere. There were bombs exploding up above him, all around him. Somehow, it seemed like bombs were exploding below him too. He was in a giant world of explosions, and Billy had never been so scared in his life.
That’s how he felt when two men came running out of the underbrush with machine guns. They were shooting SO MANY bullets. Almost like they were just going to shoot whichever direction they were facing.
Billy didn’t recognize them right away. In this world, the men had faces. The men in his game did not. But there was something familiar about the way they were running around, shirtless, and firing. One of them dressed in blue pants with a blue bandana, the other wearing the same thing but in red. Then, one of the men did a forward flip, and Billy thought, No. It can’t be…
The two men ran up to Billy.The one in red ran up really close and shouted over the gunfire. “I’M LANCE,” the one in red said. He had to yell because he didn’t stop shooting even to talk. “THAT OVER THERE IS BILL!”
Bill was shooting a group of men who were running through the jungle, single file. This made it a lot easier for Bill to shoot them, and he kept firing while he put a cigar in his mouth.
Lance yelled, “WE’RE HERE TO GET YOU BACK TO BASE!”
Lance handed Billy a machine gun like the ones he and Bill were carrying.
“YOU KNOW HOW TO USE ONE OF THESE THINGS, RIGHT?”
Billy shook his head. Sure, he’d fired one a million times in Contra. But this was different. This was real life.
When Billy shook his head, Lance’s face fell. “YOU’RE TOMMY, RIGHT? TOMMY GOLDSTEIN?”
Billy shook his head again.
Lance shot some parachute guys that were coming down from the sky, then he yelled to Bill. “BILL. THIS ISN’T THE RIGHT KID!”
Bill shot another line of three men running through the jungle, then he stopped to pull a match out of his pocket, strike it along his rugged jawline and then use it to light his cigar. He said, “GODDAMN IT. THOSE EGGHEADS IN THE LAB BLEW IT AGAIN.”
The two men shot at an endless parade of bad guys while they decided what to do.
“WELL,” Lance said, “I GUESS WE HAVE TO BRING HIM WITH US. LET’S ROLL!”
Billy was not ready to roll. Unless the rolling was letting pee roll down his leg. Even then he wasn’t ready because he’d definitely peed out all the pee he had already. No matter how you sliced it, Billy was not ready to roll, but he had no other choice.