Yesterday you were lucky enough to hear my thoughts on the condoms available in the Trojan Pleasure Pack.

As sometimes happens, I was a bit critical here and there.  My mistake.

To make up for it, I wanted to be HELPFUL.  Make some suggestions regarding new condom varieties that people might enjoy.  I give these to Trojan or whoever wants to make them, although I DO feel that condoms are a little like cars.  If you are thinking of buying a brand that you’ve never actually heard of, think again.

Option: Kias

Based on the car company, these condoms are no-frills, just your basic condom that you can trust to get you from Point A to Point O.

The thing is, everyone is adding all these bells and whistles and spermicidal bells to condoms, but meanwhile the goddamn things cost somewhere around $400 apiece.  That’s insane.  How has nobody made a cheap, reliable condom that’s maybe not the choice of a more mature man such as myself, but that a young Pete would appreciate so that he didn’t wince when his girlfriend ordered a non-water beverage at dinner.  Seriously, one beverage and you could calculate that as one time that you could not have sex with this person.  She was trading a Sprite for sex with me and it broke my heart.

It’s also very ironic that the people who can’t afford condoms are pretty high on the list of people who should definitely be engaging in birth control practices.

Option: Daylillies

These aren’t a new product, rather just a replacement for the existing Magnum product.  Magnum is such a cool name.  Why are we wasting it on dudes who already have huge schlangs?  Seriously, if anything it’s the smaller fellas who could probably use the shot of self-esteem.  Why not switch the names around a little?

Option: Big Dipper

This isn’t so much of a condom.

Stick with me for a second.

They have this stuff at the hardware store.  It comes in a paint can, and it’s this rubbery stuff that you can dip things in.  It always shows a guy dipping pliers handles in there in order to rubberize the grips.  I guess he bought the kind of pliers that don’t have grips because he’s the biggest idiot of all times.

Anyway, why not a penis dip?  You roll over, dip your penis into a paint can, and -BAM- you’re good to go.

Option: Ultra-Thin-Candy-Coated

I feel for people who are performing oral sex on condom wearers.  It must be a little weird.  The flavor.  The texture.

Why can’t we develop a thin, super thin candy shell of sorts that makes up the outer layer of the condom?  That way, maybe people would be more likely to engage in safer oral sex as it wasn’t akin to eating Cheetos while wearing rubber gloves and then licking the fingers clean.

On the minus, I don’t know what would happen when you switched from the oral sex to the sex, sex.  I don’t know what the effects of candy inside the vagina is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not good.  I don’t anything jammed in there tends to improve the environment, really.