At First Bank of Firsts, we really don’t care about you. We’re not going to pretend, and we’re not going to wear blazers like we work at Victoria’s Secret or some shit.
However, we WILL actually count your change for you, and we will NEVER ask whether you would like to redeem it for iTunes gift cards because if you’re bringing in a poorly-washed-out pickle jar full of change, it’s highly unlikely that you’re doing it because you want to download the new U2 album to your fucking Macbook.
Also, we will never call you “just to see how things are going” and then suggest to you other banking options on a Saturday afternoon. We understand that you are briefly flush, but that you will blow the balance so quickly that even WE will be surprised by your unprecedented level of irresponsible spending, half of which was done to get Super Saver Shipping.
Shitty free coffee in the lobby? Not here. Instead, we are open three more minutes a week, 90 seconds in the morning and 90 seconds in the evening. I know it’s not much, but it’s better than three inches of Folgers kept hot for 17 hours straight.
Do your checks bounce? Hey, we’ll just laugh, waive the imaginary fees, and say, “Why the hell are you still using checks, Dum-Dum?” Do you overdraft. Shit, who doesn’t? Just as long as we see a desperate attempt to get the balance back to zero, we’re ready to let it go.
All in all, we’ve basically cut out all the crap you don’t need, and put it into crap that you need a little. Eh, it’s about as good as you’re going to get.