Section 32. Person defined. As used in sections 3*, 6**, and 25*** of Article II of the state constitution, the term “person” shall apply to every human being from the beginning of the biological development of that human being.
Can you believe people are still discussing this abortion shit?
Before we go too far, let me clear up any misconceptions you might have about me as a person. I know that it might seem so because of many of my writings, but I do not posses a medical degree at this time. If you are unsure, please refer to the time it took me about 3 hours to do a suppository on myself or the time I considered marketing a fake cast that is actually a flask you use to bring booze into concerts. Also, I don’t own a uterus, ovum, fallopian tubes, or any of that other business, nor am I in the market for them. You pretty much lose my interest past 2.4 inches into the vagina. Everything beyond that is a gooey version of the Phantom Zone as far as I know.
Maybe that’s why all of this abortion business baffles me.
Or maybe it’s because of those huge gross posters on college campuses. If you’ve been on a college campus in the last decade, you’ve probably seen the giant posters they put up of aborted fetuses. And I mean giant. Like, no kidding, 25 feet tall. They’ll just set these up somewhere right in your path to class.
The posters don’t have much effect on me. I ate a Nutty Bar while taking a shit yesterday, so I don’t think that my stomach is exactly churning from pictures of red aliens.
What does have an effect are the hot babes they always have standing around the posters, telling you what they’re all about. I am not kidding when I say that this is always, ALWAYS a feature of these exhibits. They’re trying to trick you into listening. It’s especially weird when you consider that they’re trying to lure you in with sex appeal to then tell you about how removing consequences from sex is wrong. That would be like having a hot dog be the mascot for your gym.
Don’t worry, though. You can spot them from far away because they’re always wearing tucked in t-shirts. Ha! Nice try, but I’m not taking sex advice from someone who isn’t even smart enough to untuck a t-shirt. What sort of life advice could you possibly have to offer me?
Even if you do end up talking to them, their points don’t really have a big effect. For example, “Did you know that at X weeks a fetus has fingernails?” Since when are fingernails an acceptable substitute for a personality? I would trade my fingernails in an instant for a personality. Oh god what I wouldn’t trade. If you have a personality you’ll be pretty much happy, and you can always use your charm to ask other people to help you pull batteries out of shit. Not to mention the number of people missing a fingernail. Do they not count? Do the laws of man no longer apply to those missing fingernails? And if so, how many do you have to lose before they send you off to an island with the other undesireables?
You could tell me that a fetus has all the arms and legs in the world, that still doesn’t make me think it’s a person. You can make a cake look just like Batman. I’ve seen it done, despite my mom always saying it was impossible and stop asking. But no matter what Batman parts it has, even if it has a fully-functional utility belt, and no matter how much it resembles the Dark Knight, that cake ain’t Batman. All I’m saying is that you’re going to have to try a little harder than pictures of blood to stop me from eating my pepperoni Hot Pocket in the morning.
The other arguement they love is the one that goes, “Aren’t you glad your mother didn’t abort you?” Well, sometimes. To be honest, there are more than occasional days when my joy de vivre isn’t what it used to be. Maybe I don’t have the strong moral fortitude to smash a light bulb and slash my throat, but if I poofed away into dust, that might not be so bad.
I’m just not sure who you’re trying to reach with that logic. As a person who believes you come from nothing and the second that happens you’re headed for nothing, skipping the part where you’re waiting to go back to nothing is impossible to comprehend because if you skipped it you would never even know you’d missed anything, which is a mixed bag. On the one hand, middle school and junior high, which was not worth it on any level. Seriously, why did I have to make a booklet with a bunch of dumb facts about other planets that I’ve never even seen? On the other, internet pornography, which is a wonderful gift and great example of citizens of the world sharing their wonderful gifts with each other. Sometimes the wonderful gifts are fake or sagging, but that’s why they say never look a gift tit in the nipple.
I don’t know. Maybe the answer is to strike back with my own giant posters, pictures of really shitty looking people. I could say, “Disgusting, isn’t it? If this person had never been born, you could finish that McGriddle in peace.”
The final and worst thing that you hear is, “You would understand if you had a child.”
Maybe YOU would understand if you DIDN’T.
Case in point: Name 5 places you go and say, “Thank goodness a baby was there.” Airplane? Grocery store? Restaurant?
I think that you could just as easily make the argument that you could never understand abortion until you had one. That argument makes just as much sense, saying that comprehension is based on experience alone.
It’s a ridiculous and really high-and-mighty thing to say, and it’s just a different version of that thing people do where they say, “You probably wouldn’t understand if you’ve never traveled abroad.” Goddamn how I hate those kids. I hope there was a fucking baby on the plane right behind them the whole way to Heathrow.
The ultimate reason that this should be a non-issue is that it’s really none of your business. You are not the Green Arrow of the prenatal world, working so hard to bring justice to the ghetto but always questioning why you’re trying to save people from themselves. Let people make their own choices.
You know how you can really help? Make it a non-issue. Put your work into creating realistic adoption options for children who were unplanned or unwanted. Make adoption as perfect as possible. Fighting this battle is endless and unsatisfying, and working with adoption puts everyone on the same side. Oh, and you should not even consider voting No if you would be unwilling to adopt a child in this state, right now. A No vote changes the law, but not the feelings of the parents. You are inviting unwanted babies to the party, so you better be ready to set a place for them at the table.
P.S. “Persons, Not Property” is a shitty slogan. You should have asked me first.
Now THAT’S a fucking slogan.