New favorite coffee machine.
So much to love.
First of all, we have our friend Wolfgang. Look at him.
He looks utterly gobsmacked about this cup of coffee he’s holding, which by the way is a completely different cup from the one that’s coming out of the vending hole (great name for a sleazy bar, by the way).
Seriously, what’s he saying here?
“Holy fuck, this is the best goddamn coffee I’ve ever had!”
“Look at this tiny cup! Amazing”
Part of me wonders if he took one sip, held the cup like that in total silence, then pulled out a pistol, put it in his mouth and shot himself. He looks almost like he’s talking to it, like it’s his darling best friend and he can’t stop praising it. What I want to see, more than anything, is the booze equivalent of this. Just a guy holding a shitty beer, absolutely destroyed by how shockingly good it is.
Now, let’s look at the names of the beverage options:
Starts okay, right? Port of Vanilla. Okay, fine. Again, sounds like a sleazy bar, maybe a whites only one, but I can get past it. Vanilla Taboo, on the other hand, is a little over the top. What’s so taboo about vanilla? I thought vanilla was the one we used to describe things that weren’t taboo. Was your sexual experience taboo? No, it was pretty vanilla. Pretty port of vanilla if you ask me.
As if that didn’t do it, we have Vanilla Jungle right below. So we have a sleazy white power bar, a raunchy sex act, and then a jungle. I don’t know how I feel about the vanilla options here. What were the names they rejected? Vanilla Oral Pleasure? Vanilla Sky? Come Get in My Scary Panel Van-illa?
Oh well. On the plus, machine coffee is always the best because when you’re getting it from a machine, it’s because you FUCKING NEED IT.