I’d made it to Dracula’s castle.
It wasn’t easy.
First I had to put on a traditional costume. Which looked a lot like a skirt to me. Kind of like a skirt they would wear in Troy or movies like that, but still pretty much a skirt.
Let me tell you, if you’re not sure whether or not you have the thighs to pull of a skirt, as a guy, the answer is no. Ladies, you are so brave sometimes. I’m learning a lot here.
Inside the castle, I had to kill a whole bunch of zombies. Zombies are annoying because there doesn’t seem to be any end to them. They just keep coming. But on the plus, only hitting them with a whip once finishes them off. I know, what wusses, right?
I started getting fancy, whipping two at a time and shit. I tried to do a behind-the-back, but I’m not able to whip backwards, or at angles. Some of the Belmonts could, but the ability was intermittently lost and recovered through history. Oh well, straight ahead it was. At least I could whip while I was jumping. Some of these guys…well, let’s just say they may have had the thighs for the skirt, but not the brains for much else.
Anyway, then it was time to fight Frankenstein.
I don’t know why these monsters always do this, team up. What could Dracula possibly offer Frankenstein?
And by the way, I know Frankenstein is the name of the guy who created him, but he’s been called Frankenstein so long now that he doesn’t give a shit. It’s a better name than “Creature.” Plus, he’s got some deep-seated issues. He’s like the foreign exchange student who is too timid to correct the teacher when she calls him “Frank Einstein.”
I tried to talk him out of it the way I did the mummy. I just said, Hey man, why are you always defending Dracula? Shouldn’t he be first sometimes? And if he was, I would just leave. When Brendon Frasier comes for you, does Dracula throw himself in front of any bullets?
But Frankenstein, you can’t reason with that guy. It’s like trying to explain to a special ed kid that there’s a difference between the categories “edible” and “food.” So I whipped him until he died. Fairly sure I’m going to hell for that one, which I’m fairly sure exists because that’s what Death told me when we were about to fight and then some idiot crashed his bike into a traffic light and he had to leave.
I made it to Dracula’s door. It was time for the final fight.
Next: The conclusion.