Thanks to my good friend Nica, I was able to enjoy this wonderful game from my childhood at home, revisit the memories, and see just how well the thing held up.
I should say this, for starters: Playing arcade games on a machine that does not require quarters kind of kills a bit of the fun, the reason being that there’s really no way to LOSE, lose. Quarter-based games really were like gambling where there was a certain amount of skill that could make it last longer, although eventually you will have to pump in more money to succeed. They are also like gambling in that I am very bad at them.
This game is a classic beat-em-up style where you walk from left to right beating the shit out of everyone and everything that gets in the way.
In order to complete your task, you are given the choice of one of four characters. Allow me to discuss each, going from right to left for the simple fact that I moved from left to right for so much of my life in these games:
Hawkeye: The worst one in terms of powers. He’s good at shooting, so he elects to use a bow and arrow instead of a gun. Also, according to the game, he posesses super vision, a skill that I would think would be posessed by the character named goddamn Vision. Not my first choice.
Captain America: Ah, the brave leader. Note that this was in the 90’s, a time when Captain America was not very cool. It took about 10 years of him doing shit like being a werewolf for comics to get through the phase where everything had to be about darkness and almost seeing a titty. Also a very unlikely choice.
Iron Man: This was my guy back when. He could shoot lasers, and in the levels that involved swimming or being in space he did not require any sort of bubblehead contraption to breathe. It made the most sense to me, which is kind of hilarious in that NONE of this makes any sense. You can throw a rock and make it explode in this game, but I was concerned with the fact that Captain America’s headbubble might crack, and then he’d be fucked.
Vision: Now we get to the reason we went right to left, in order to save Vision for last.
Can someone explain this posture to me? What is he doing? It looks like he’s about to break into a little number from Grease. And when he walks? Crosses his arms, upper body completely still, only his legs moving. It looks insane, and very affected. I hated that. Between his bizarre poses and the fact that he was wearing a Speedo and a cape, Vision didn’t get a lot of play from me.
So you start walking and fighting, but almost right away you notice that the dialogue is a little funky. For example, one of my favorites:
Hmm…well, that is a tough question to answer, I guess. To be fair, if I were a bad guy this would disturb me a little. If Spider-Man was running around, quipping like a goddamn stand-up, I would be thinking, “Well, he’s all there mentally.” But if a roided-up guy in an America get-up spouted at me, “Why should it goes well?” I would be a little concerned that he would not be aces when it came to identifying that I was subdued versus having my brain mashed so hard into the sidewalk that the grease stain never really comes out.
Another great one:
Captain America: There is no escape!
Response:
OOOOO, sweet burn!
A little advice to all, if someone insults you and you respond with, “No, YOU are [carbon copy of original insult] then you are probably not going to impress anyone enough that they let you escape with a huge bag of potatoes with a dollar sign on it.
Just a couple of other favorites:
Bad Guy: “You came here to die!”
Good Guys: “What an evil thing you’ve done!”
Good Guys: “Where is the laser?”
Bad Guy: “Ask the police!”
Best of all, Captain America urges you on time and again with his battle cry of “Okay! Go!” Seriously, every boss you fight, when the boss’ life gets about 3/4 drained, the game’s theme song starts thumping and Captain America shouts a slogan I’m pretty sure was written for him by a drunk Paul Oakenfold.
But hey, the whole game is full of this kind of stuff, and really you could spend days scratching your head, wondering what the fuck is going on and what the fuck a Mechanical Taco is.
As in any good comic game, there are cameos from a number of characters who make attempts to help you along the way. Just for fun, here are the four other characters who show up. Try and guess which one is the most helpful.
1. Quicksilver: has the ability of super speed, like the Flash.
2. Namor: Super-ultra strong, shares Vision’s fashion sense.
3. Wonder Man: Strong as fuck.
4. Wasp: Extremely small, fashion designer to the stars.
Did you answer Wasp? If you did, I have to believe you have played this game before because there is no reason for that character to be the one helpful extraneous character. It’s just plain nonsense.
But before long, you get to the final stage.
Scene 4: The Giant Laser Cannon
You fight some more assholes, then you get to the Red Skull. This game does a very classic move where you fight the Red Skull, who is in a suit and has learned one karate kick in preparation for fighting 4 superpowered men at the same time, and just when you think you’ve beaten him he teleports into a little bubble, revealing a gigantic Red Skull robot!
Red Skull: “It’s another trap, you stupid men!”
Stupid Men: “I’ll show you the meaning of justice!”
The meaning of justice, we are shown, is punching out a giant robot until it falls onto the Red Skull and crushes him. Ah, horribly crushed on his own petard!
World saved. Dialogue giggled at. Superhero status cemented.
The big question: Is this a good game?
To answer that question out of context is impossible. I mean, really, how can this game compare to something like Batman: Arkham Asylum? Is that even reasonable to consider?
But! The things that were good about it in my childhood days are still good about it now.
The graphics are simple, but they’re actually fairly crisp and enjoyable. The colors, too, are kind of brilliant, especially on the main characters (with the exception of Vision, who is a vision in beige).
Plus, it’s just long enough. Right about when I’m getting sick of fighting the same stupid assholes with lasers, I get too the end.
There’s an appeal to long, involved games. No doubt. But sometimes I want to put on headphones, listen to the first 3 minutes of a bunch of Mars Volta songs, and scroll left to right, punching indiscriminately.