My second special request in one week? At this rate, I won’t have to come up with ideas anymore. The world of shit talk and using video games to describe the patheticness of my life will be over.
i’d really like to see a blog about wishes you could make. maybe something like, i wish that everything i have ever lost will be immediately mailed to me tomorrow in a gigantic box. what would be in the box? yes, we did discuss this. yes, i want to see you put some thought into it. i’m full of awesome ideas.
yours truly,
HeatheHeinze
So, just to clarify, I find a genie who tells me that he’ll send me everything I’ve ever lost in a big ass box?
First of all, why is a genie using the US Mail? He’s gonna get raped on the charges for that shit. All the throw pillows and weird shoes with curly points in the world won’t pay for that kind of commerce.
The box shows up the next day. Let’s see what we’ve got.
Okay, grandfather’s corpse right on top. That’s great. I lost my grandfather when I was little. I wore a Super Mario 2 belt to his funeral. I don’t see that….oh, wait, there it is. I thought I remembered Mario carrying a radish, and I guess he was. I thought it was grief or, don’t know, just being like five and fucking stupid. But sure enough, radish. By the way, real fucking nice way to dress your dumb kid for a FUNERAL, dad. You shouldn’t wear clothing made by Nintendo, especially a belt, and especially when you’re carrying some huge wine goblet down the aisle at a church towards the ashes of your dead grandfather.
What else we got here…oh good, 400 pairs of sunglasses. Just what I need for summer, which I hear will be back every year forever.
We’ve got a bunch of Wendy’s bags here. I think this genie might be confused about the difference between losing and littering on purpose and making it look like being forgetful. Enjoying your lunch in the park? Oh, and when you’re done, go ahead and set that bag under the park bench so you can enjoy some kids terrorizing a duck family. Then you leave. Oh man, and then hours later you remember that you LEFT YOUR BAG! And you can hardly sleep because you’re laughing.
Hey, this is pretty cool. Here are the pictures from that time we went to the mall and cut naked women out of a Playboy with tiny scissors. I wondered what happened to those. Jesus, look at those 80’s ladies. I didn’t care what I was bonering to back in those days.
Speaking of, here are my old boners, the ones from when you’re little and your dick flattens up against your stomach. What the fuck was that about, huh? Was it that the first couple dozen boners were so powerful that they didn’t stop when you were at 90-degrees, or was it that your peen was so small and the bonering capabilities were all ready for your adult peen?
Long term memory. Welcome back, old friend. It’s been a couple years and a few concussions since we’ve crossed paths.
All in all, I regret this. I should have asked the genie for new shit, not old shit I lost. I lost that stuff for a reason. Because it sucks. Except that belt.