Every time you see someone with a new haircut or a big lifestyle change, it’s because they just broke up with someone. This is science, so look into it if you feel like getting back to me and explaining how right I am.
So which activity is best?
Activity 1: Drastic New Haircut
Pro: Gives you a new look, so every time you look in the mirror you say, “This isn’t the guy who got broke up with. This is a different guy. A better guy. A guy who organizes his head hairs in a different fashion.”
Con: Continual wonder of whether your new haircut is part of the reason she won’t take you back. It’s not, but you totally keep thinking it is. And it eats you alive, and you stay up late calculating how long it should take your hair to get back to the way it was, at which point she will totally want you back.
Activity 2: Tattoo
Pro: The pain can be a sort of bridge to a brand new place where loneliness probably won’t affect you the way it does other humans. Almost definitely probably.
Con: Your odds of finding a new love are drastically reduced by adding the word “Fuck” and a woman’s name to the spot right above your ass crack. Turns out ,this is a pricey lesson in the temporal nature of love and the relative permanence of stained skin.
Activity 3: New Wardrobe
Pro: Just so long as nobody looks past your shirt, nobody can tell you are completely falling apart. This would be a good time to experiment with loud colors and patterns. Nobody notices the man behind the pastel yellow pants with dark blue whales stamped on them in irregular patterns.
Con: You can’t help but feel like people’s compliments of your clothing only confirm the shallowness of the world and how nobody cares what’s happening behind that tie. You know what’s happening back there? A goddamn heartbeat. You bitch.