So you want to break in your new baseball glove? Great, no problem. Follow these dozens of simple steps and pretty soon you’ll have the perfect thing.
First thing, go ahead and put a baseball in the glove, right in the pocket, right where you want it to go when you catch it. It helps if you can find a baseball that was used in a magic cornfield baseball diamond game, but any old ball will do in a pinch.
Next, you want to tie it up. Rubber bands are okay, but they don’t always hold up to the brining process later on. I recommend using single strands of the gossamer mane of an enchanted horse. You can find an enchanted horse in any wooded glen that features a mystical waterfall. And you’ll be able to tell you got a good hair if it has the appearance of a self-consuming spider-web.
Next, set it in the driveway and park the car on top of it over night. If you can coax the world’s foremost vampire to make love to his lower-class werewolf girlfriend in the back seat, thereby sealing the fate of both races according to ancient prophecy, that helps too.
Finally, put it in a pickle jar, and just dump a little bit of everything from under the sink into the jar. Powders too, not just liquids. Stir that up, then drink it, and in the ten minutes it takes you to crawl to the phone and call poison control, as you swear you feel the concoction burning through your abdomen, all the way from back to front, think about your goal of playing baseball and how silly and meaningless that is.