First of all, real nice that we call it “Black” when it’s cheap shit day. Real fuckin’ nice. I see we’ve all come a long way. How about Chinese Friday? What would that be? If you thought of an answer, you are racist and no longer welcome on this site.
So what are helpful snowman’s top picks for Kindly Gentleman who Works at My Gym Friday?
1. Wal-Mart: Sylvana portable DVD player, 7″ screen, $79.00
First off, what the hell kind of name for a product if Sylvana? That’s not a brand, that’s a country that’s on the no-fly list. But hey, who can argue with 7″ of raw viewing power.
Here’s a rule: If an average to below average porn star can cover your viewing screen with nothing but his penis, it is not a good screen for watching movies. Maybe stay in bed instead of watching a movie on something the size of a Dunkin’ Donuts longjohn.
2. Target: Lexar 8GB TwistTurn USB Drive, $14.99
Honey, I love you. I wake up every day thinking how much more I loved you than yesterday. That’s why I wanted to get you something special this year. I know that 4GB flash drive was a disappointment last year, but I won’t make the same mistake again. I’m learning romance. More than that, I’m learning to romance YOU, and that’s why I want to spend the rest of my life…with enough data storage for all of your documents in one place.
3. Express, 40% of everything in store until noon.
If you are up before noon, you have no business shopping at Express.
4. Sam’s Club, many sales, more importantly, “Breakfast is on us!”
Well, I can’t see how I could possibly get burned eating breakfast prepared by pimply teens and borderline-unemployable seniors who have absolutely no cooking experience whatsoever. That sounds like a slam dunk. I bet that shuffling up and down cement aisles has prepared them well to create a meal for an indefinite number of people, keep it warm all day, and feed me to my satisfaction, preparing a gigantic meal being only one of the most complicated and easy to fuck up endeavors you could possibly embark on.
5. Sears, $19,99-$29.99 “Boots for her”
These are what I have come to know as hooker boots, or possibly pirate hooker boots. It must be fun to be a dad, finding the My Little Pony and shit for your daughter for Christmas, watching her little eyes light up when she opens a big bag of glitter and lip balm, or whatever it is you get for girls when they’re little. But it must take some of the wind out of your sails the year your sweet little daughter asks for boots that you recognize immediately as having been worn by the transsexual who worked at IHOP and took dance breaks whenever the one Britney song came on in the store’s rotation of music. I guess this is my way of saying that I would probably go with the $19.99 ones.