At the ATM the other day, I was waiting for a dispensation of cash when the screen went bright fucking orange and asked me, “Do you have an iPhone?”
First off, none of your fucking business, ATM, kay? So what if I do? What are you going to do about it? Ask to see it and fuck around with all the buttons, most likely accidentally deleting the one app I actually need to be a productive human?
Secondly, how many people pulling out $20 to then drive to the car wash to get laundry quarters are holding an iPhone? In my personal experience (me), none. If I had an iPhone, I wouldn’t need laundry quarters. I would just use the app that summons an extremely old Chinese woman who does my laundry for me. And if you think that’s racist, you should see the goddamn icon they designed. Hint: The skin tone is a little yellow and the eyes have a very low line weight.
Third, I walked up to the drive-thru ATM. Again, not an iPhone act. I would be driving my Golden Delicious, the new car that Apple is coming out with in a year or so. It’s really easy to use, the only problem being that you can’t really customize anything, so the seats and mirrors stay where the fuck they are.