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  You know what’s really shitty about this holiday?  The whole thing where someone starts saying Merry Christmas, then stops them self and says, Happy

What’s that sound I hear? Is it music? Is it the sound of a convertible sliding under a truck, which decapitates the convertible driver from

Let’s talk gifts.  When someone gets you a gift, you expect them to say something like, “Merry Christmas,” or, “This is for you.” But what

  Santa.  This is for idiots. “You know what I would like to do?  Work really hard and really save cash for three months, get

Day 1:  Christmas Trees This is kind of where everything begins. For those of you who don’t know because you’re from Africa or you grew

I’d Rather Be Fishing.  But just barely. I’d Rather Be Fishing. Unless it’s the kind where you have to stand in the water.  If that’s

Guys, holy shit. This is never going to fucking work. First of all, I don’t understand the point of this project at all.  5 robotic

Headline:  Nerd Wins Some Contest That You Don’t Even Understand the Rules of, Stands at Podium Headline: Guest Speaker at Assembly That Everyone Attended and

Can we talk about how insane this is? So you buy this ant cage at a toy store or whatever, and then you send a

“Um, also, just to be safe, we made this robot no stronger than a small child. We had some issues where previously they were stronger

Digital Death Has everyone heard of this?  If not, I’ll explain as quickly as I can. Alicia Keys and a bunch of other celebrities got

Fall Magic: Shitty leaves all over the goddamn place that cover a layer of mystery slime. Winter Magic: Walking barefoot to the dumpster and being

1.  Bambi is a dude? 2.  How did Snow White have an apple in her windpipe for three weeks without dying? 3.  Who thought that

To prevent chronic injury in lifeguards who spend eight hours a day twirling a whistle on a rope around their finger until it’s all the

Ben Stiller hit in the nuts with a rolled-up yoga mat. Ben Stiller hit in the nuts with a woman’s purse as she quickly turns

Something that a lot of teachers do in high school is assign you to write a letter.  It’s the first day of high school, and

Flossing, if not total bullshit, is at least partial bullshit. Think about it.  What other part of your body do you run a string across

Parents are always encouraging their kids to do shit, and when their kids do shit they are happy.  Jimmy should play soccer, Johnny should join

Incident Report Wonka Chocolate & Candy, inc. 11/12/1986 Please state your full name: Ooompa Loompa Doopity (Doo) Occupation: Enslaved Elf Creature, hard candy sector Please

First of all, real nice that we call it “Black” when it’s cheap shit day.  Real fuckin’ nice.  I see we’ve all come a long

According to analytics, the following are search terms that were entered into google and directed people to this web site.  For your convenience, search terms

Years Ago:  “And you say that you’re Steve?  Okay, good enough for me.” Not so Long Ago:  “Make sure to put your bag up on

So the other day I went to a coffee shop.  They force you to buy baked goods there because instead of having them wrapped up

“Oh, we had this neighbor kid who could slam dunk, and he hung off the rim and bent the shit out of it.  I think

That’s it? Remember that story where John Henry raced the stem engine?  I think the steam engine beat him, but I feel like the moral

Is this a sign that he likes me? this guy I like was helping to sell lunch today at school and I was waiting in

A news story about a coffee shop which makes a 10-shot espresso drink hit the interwebs today.  Mostly confusing because the title was “Porn in

Okay, just in case you can’t tell what’s going on here, this is a metal flask wrapped in a plastic bag. Printed on the plastic

Has everyone else seen this damn sign everywhere: Can we stop with this thing already?  It’s cute and all, but after about 40,000 times it’s

Are these things candy or medicine? Arguments for Medicine: 1.  Found in Medicine Aisle 2. Contains an “Active Ingredient” 3. Has Directions for Use, which

The best show on TV when I was a kid was Pee Wee’s Playhouse.  If you didn’t like it, you’re a piece of shit and

Pro: Lots of rest. Con: Much of this rest comes in the form of post-beer sleep, which results in nightmares about taking a vacation to

My little brother ordered a pellet gun from a catalogue, and although he wasn’t parent enough to stop the initial order or even notice for

My dad had strange taste in music.  Not only that, but he would pick a CD and listen to it straight through over and over,

My Dad’s Bachelor Pad Part of the appeal of going to dad’s house was that you could do pretty much whatever you wanted.  There were

1.  I brought a friend over to my dad’s house.  We were maybe 14, going through that shitty phase where you want sex the most

This next week is devoted to True Tales of My Dad.             Okay, seems like a Shit My Dad Says rip-off, I know.  But these

I’ll let you guess which was mine.

Today was a really nice day for me and Dum-Dum.  We went to the park and I accidentally left him in one of those swings

Hey readers.  When we last left Dum-Dum, he was still a piece of shit and the skin started coming off his head. He needed some

We got to the lady’s house.  I have to say, it was kind of crappy.  Disappointing for a house for a grown-up, you know?  She

Today, me and Dum-Dum started our day out at Petsmart.  This is another one of those great parenting tips I was promising everyone.  Did you

Today was a rough day with baby.  It started out okay.  I opened up his drawer/bed and went to get his lazy ass up, but

I have a baby.  It’s a Halloween miracle. Friends and family want all the details about the baby, even though they didn’t seem to give

(special thanks to my chum-diddly-umptious) **** Pretty Not Bad If you haven’t seen Ghostbusters, it’s about these three guys who use backpacks to catch ghosts. 

-Use your $5 on day one to purchase a tin can for begging.  This is known as begging and it frowned upon.  Lots of people

Can someone explain the point of this stamp to me, please? Why would you take the time to stamp a book with a stamp that

“The teacher said, ‘Class, I’d like you to welcome our newest student- Adolf Hitler!’” “As I watched the blood swirl down the drain, I realized

So I went to a couple concerts last week and I got something to say. I’m not a shy pisser.  I can pee in front

Things I am Not Likely to Scream in Any Situation. “Oh my god, my face!  My beautiful face!” “My Moneyyyyy!!!!” “Charge!” “Tell my children I

Can we all take a close look at this thing for a second? Now imagine you’re an artist creating the new design for the nickel. 

Dear Lil’ Buddies, Howz it goin’?  Sorry, I know you hate it when I try to be cool, homies.  But let me tell you about

1.  Denial Oh fuck.  This isn’t happening.  This is not happening. 2.  Anger Really?  You had to eat that whole fucking burrito?  Couldn’t have left

“Wikipedia is not an acceptable source.” Oh really?  At least Wikipedia cites something.  Meanwhile you stand up there with no fucking citation whatsoever.  I’m just

Part of posting on your own web site is that you get spammers.  They’re a lot like the ones you get in email, the ones

Section 32. Person defined. As used in sections 3*, 6**, and 25*** of Article II of the state constitution, the term “person” shall apply to

Did FDR Know About the Attack on Pearl Harbor Ahead of Time?   It seems to me that No, he didn’t.  Remember, this was a

Hi.  I’ll take one aquarium, please. Sir, you are required to wear a shirt to enter these premesis. Oh. And I can’t help but notice

[note: for anyone reading this via facebook, scroll to the bottom and click “view original post” in order to see all images and video.  Or

So is this planned in any way, or is it more like you get convoluted directions from a giant loom like in that shitty Wanted

After the last couple stories seemed to resonate with people, I wanted to share my other two classic stories of our wonderful public servants in

“Pete, congratulations on defeating your enemy.” “-huff- -huff- yeah.  Thanks.  Um, thanks, Gandorf.” “Now that you have slain him, you must eat his eyes and

First of all, this is going to be disappointing.  It’s not much of a story.  The story part comes in with my furious anger, which

Two important things to get out of the way here. 1. Enough with the fucking dogs. 2. Cops are so goddamn worthless it blows my

#89: The Haunted Home Depot Summary: This kid gets trapped in Home Depot overnight.  It’s scary and these little creatures are running around, operating the

The cottage porn industry has given us a lot to be happy about over the past several years.  With internet porn ever on the rise

What the hell is going on with these computer updates? Every couple days or so my computer tells me it NEEDS updates, which I immediately

Get a load of this headline: Sun Chips noisy biodegradable bag gets tossed There are slow news days, and then there are days when time

Ah, sports.  Nothing to make it all worthwhile like a shitty cup made out of metal.  But we love our shiny metal cups, so let’s

Okay, let me look at my dance card here and see what I’m up against. * *   Okay, “Ryu” is up first, huh?  He

A lot of people are putting the word “Random” as the title of a Facebook photo album. Please stop.  You clearly do not understand the

Write a letter to people that film remakes of ’70s b-movies which are too slick, trying too hard, and/or are unfunny. Dear Those Guys,  This

Please write a letter to my ISP that always lies about how their service sucks and they need to get their shit handled. Thanks Dylan

Okay, first I’d just like to say thanks for all the hard work you did on my house.  I always wanted salmon-colored walls and long

Congratulations on combining two of my least favorite things, theater and bad songs, with two of my other most hated things, bad storytellling and bright-eyed

Stop it. This is a little boy.  He’s what, 12? When I was 12 I was still relatively certain the vagina was on the front. 

You guys seem to be doing alright.  People buy your shit and then other people steal it from work all the time, so I guess

I know what you did.  Not cool. You made Super Mario Bros, which was great.  And then you sent over Super Mario Bros. 2, which

www.apple.com That’s where you buy an iPod.  The jukebox is not an iPod that you’re leasing one song at a time.  So what’s the fucking

I do not understand your lifestyle. I’m sitting in Subway thinking about my life and how it ended up at Subway, and you come walking

  Hey, we all have a job to do.  I understand.  It’s tough out there kid, and you have to watch out for yourself. But

This week is all about letters, letters written to people who pissed me off recently.   This is the first time I have been saddened that

“I was hoping this would result in a Talking Heads blog.” Fuck… Well, let me start by saying that I know almost nothing about the

Dear HelpfulSnowman, Please write a really really sarcastic blog about comments/responses one could make regarding ignorant conversation about food/weight comments. I should point out that

“You should write about how people take weight loss pills instead of getting to the gym, or simply eating less and moving more.” Ah, the

For the next five days I’m proud to present topics suggested by readers. Today’s topic:  The Comic Store Lady This one requires a little backstory.

It has come to my attention that there are serious arguments against masturbation.  In fact, a little googling will reveal lots of links about “overcoming”

Okay, just watch the trailer below.  Ignore the movie as much as possible.  Also, for the love of god, ignore the National song ruined forever. 

-Take this medication to cure symptoms such as nasal congestion, cough, sore throat, and voice crack that makes you sound seventeen again.  And not in

Are you tired of not having a flat belly?  I can help. I have real, flawless, online tips for a flat belly.  You may have

Lots of people ask for advice.  Not from me, but from people like Dear Abby.  What does that crusty old bitch know that I don’t? 

You fuckers. I’m getting sick, and this is probably your fault.  Allow me to explain what happened here: First, you got sick, probably because you’re out

As our annual feature, we at helpfulsnowman.com would like to make a strong Halloween costume suggestion. We have lots of costumes based on everyday things,

From Wikipedia:  Foley is the reproduction of everyday sounds for use in filmmaking.   These reproduced sounds can be anything from the swishing of clothing and

Before we go any further, I know that people spell it differently.  But fuck that.  K-O-R-A-N is just easier, and I have to type it

My second special request in one week? At this rate, I won’t have to come up with ideas anymore.  The world of shit talk and