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Please enjoy the following news story: Tracking bracelet worn by lost autistic Aurora boy malfunctioned AURORA — An 11-year-old autistic boy, who police believe left

Son, this is a big time in your life.  But it can be hard, too.  Really hard.  Like about as hard as I was when

My Fatalitites If I Were a Mortal Kombat Character Shame Spiral [up + down + left + left + fierce punch] Whirling Accidental Punch While

Well.  His, uh, he had some really cool shoes. That thing he said about how it’s hard to drive behind grandmas?  What was that all

“I’ve got a great idea for a cartoon.  It’s about this guy, a sailor, named Popeye.  He comes into various troubles, and he accesses super

Hey buddy.  I know it’s tough out there, standing in the hall.  Time really slows down, huh?  I bet you never thought you’d be like

Go-Go-Gadget Tag Sticking Out of Shirt! Go-Go-Gadget Gyros Spindle Detector! Go-Go-Gadget Distaste for Dance Music! Go-Go-Gadget Knowledge of Turtle Biology! Go-Go-Gadget Use 1/17th of a

Hi, everyone.  I know that the teacher wasn’t going to force me to introduce myself because that’s something that only happens on TV.  But I

  Okay, this is an extremely complicated process.  For some reason, instead of a giant robot with one pilot like we’d asked for, we have

This is an email sent because you filled out a request for password retrieval. In order to reset your password and create a new one,

In-Person: Good day to you.  And how are you this fine day? (Greeting, question.  Makes sense.) Once Mail Was Invented: Dear Sir, How are you? 

More Bacon Than You’d Think Necessary   Down (in the basement level) Home (shitty apartment) Cookin’ (sort of)   [front cover just a chart explaining

Every night, outside my apartment, beetles come out to play.  They are big and brown and hit against the door hard enough that is sounds

If you don’t have… Soy Sauce Try Using… Salt dissolved in brownish water If you don’t have… Flour Try Using… Cigarette ashes mixed with Elmer’s

“Okay, we need to get through some stuff, so let’s just get started.  No laughing.  If I catch you laughing it’s going to be laps,”

This is the new King Soopers in town.  Pretty giant, huh?  You and I both know that the number one appeal factor for grocery stores

Question:  “Imagine you are taking someone that you know somewhat on a first date.  What would you do?” Friend’s Answer:  “Well, since it would be

To just say the ending would be to discount all the amazing work leading up to this ending.  It would be like standing on top

1.  Beginning of the Day “Ah, here is what I have to look forward to.  Today is going to be different, too, because I will

How Many of You Does It Take to Completely Ruin the Sad, Drink-y Vibe at a Bowling Alley? Music: How Much Less Meaningful and Directed

Pre-Wedding Photos: Instead of taking multiple photos with a bunch of idiots immediately before the wedding, I’ll just go ahead and consider EVERY PHOTO FROM

Katy Perry:  These Are Noises that Emanate from Above My Breasts. Dave Matthews Band: I’ve Got One More in Me Before Total Baldness Sets in

Me, age 8: Mom, can we go into the rock store? My Mom’s Response: Okay.  But just for a few minutes. What My Response as

Rules: Below are 5 episode descriptions from the television series Roseanne.  1 is fake, 4 are real.  Your goal is to separate the actual episodes

This button will change the face of Youtube. No longer will people be unclear on whether or not Rebecca Black is a singer or Double

Introduction: A sketch without intro to make people unsure what they are watching.  At least idiots who think maybe there’s a presidential debate on a

After reading this totally awesome article about guard bears, I decided it’s time to re-examine my options in terms of guard animals. Guard Rhinos Advantage: 

Howdy, This is a non-post day. For me. This is a post day for you. Share helpfulsnowman.com with someone you love. Or someone you hate.

[note: the above image was selected because it is the first thing that pops up when you google image search “osama.”  The people have spoken.]

“Debt Consolidation is a Snap!” You have a shitload of debt.  You’ve probably listed multiple schools on your profile, or possibly just one art institute. 

For safety, the best place to harness someone is by a series of straps all along the crotch area.  Nothing says safety like Load-Bearing Crotch

Deaf Cruise the cruise attended by only deaf mute people.  And me. Omega Man Cruise the cruise where everything is done for you while you

Curious George Goes to the Rendering Plant Curious George Goes to the Infectious Disease Laboratory Where They Are Working on “Rage Virus” Curious George Goes

Dear Lisa Loeb, First of all, I’d like to apologize for not applying to be on your dating show in 2006 when it aired.  Nobody

Okay, brief history. For those who have never seen Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, this might be a waste of your time.  For people who have

Not only do we grow these things for the pure amusement of watching their brief lives snuffed out in mere moments, faster than a goddamn

I have one thing to say to you: Oh yeah? In the time it took me to come up with that first thing I’ve also

Snowman! Can you help me find the OFFICAL “Duh, Winning” Charlie Sheen t-shirt? What is the brand? Do they fit small/average/large? thanks :):):) AMS:):):)   Dear

Hey Snowman, Resume help for local pool store? I’m trying to get a job at a local leslies pool store, I found out I have

Dear Snowman, When do babies start learning? when do babies start learning words? my cousin told me around 10 months that they can actually comprehend

Mr. Snowman Sir, Have you ever drank the wine “arizona stronghold”? was it good? how much did it cost? where did you purchase it also?

Dear Snow, Why do us guys like looking at breast? I’m a guy and like all guys I like looking as breast but I’ve never

After such a successful first day helping out, how could I not do a second? Dear Helpful, Why is it that whenever I do something

Readers, It’s been a tough couple weeks around here.  But when things get bad, the best thing you can do is give back and wait

What comes between K and Double-S? I do! ~ You’re a fire I’ve got heartburn. ~ Turn on the lawnmower so we can loud fuck

Desire by the writers to fill in the underdeveloped character of the idiot who was stuck on the roof, who was by far the most

Wow, are you flossing twice a day or something? How do you keep your teeth so white? Would you say you brush, on average, twice

Softball  Pro:  Opportunity to legitimately purchase a nice pouch of Big League Chew.  Con:  Going through some bizarre, vaguely satanic ritual to break in a

Because they are coming out with a whole new slew of comic book movies, instead of answering nerd questions one by one in person, I’ll

1.  Science, you have one year to make som kind of significant progress on breast cancer.  I can’t stand these terrible fun runs, parades, and

“I just don’t think it’s right that I buy this nice, big cooler and now I have to deface it with permanent marker all over

1.  Do the teams have home and away jerseys? 2.  If so, are they not two jerseys but one reversible jersey that players often end

Baseball Real Life: Lots of standing around, very humiliating pants. However, hot dogs are often present. Video Game:Smaller physical toll, however the game lacks the

Your best bet is to put all your time and effort into someone who seems like the worst possible match for you and makes you

1.  Bald patch on my left thigh from sitting the laptop on my lap and having the extreme battery heat absorbed into my leg. 2. 

The Princess Bride Summary:  Some kid is a real asshole to his grandpa, to the grandpa tells the kid a story that involves a very

9:  Fine. 8:  Maybe a little rough getting started, but nothing serious. 7:  Stringy.  Smell and shape reminiscent of brown Funyuns. 6:  Lots of effort

Well, it looks like our branch of the robotic cop project has found its endpoint.  But we still need to find a home for this