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Every hundred years Count Dracula makes his return to the Earth Realm.  And every 100 years the Belmont clan sends its current champion to fight

Here’s a nice coupon for the circus. Now, I understand the elephant that is whipped and burned constantly to get it to do tricks. Aaand

Big announcements: In looking to expand the brand, I need some help from a graphic designer.  If you are, or if you know a graphic

See you tomorrow!

Rule #1:  My daughter does not have a curfew, per se.  However, sometimes you will feel a strong sense that I disapprove of how late

Baby battered and flash fried, sitting in giant box of fries with giant, artificial fries surrounding it. Baby folded up inside a burrito, wearing a

When I opened dad’s old cigar box and found self-taken naked Polaroids inside. At the precise moment they started lowering the casket into the ground.

Noon:  “Have you seen the new Muppets trailer?” 11 AM:  “I think I might have left my Muppets DVDs at your house.” 10 AM:  “I

Did you know that if you took every time I wrote the word “shit” on this web site, printed it out in 12 pt. font,

Oh, come on.  Is this really necessary? What the hell?  Isn’t True or False enough?  Isn’t that the whole beauty of True/False? It’s bad enough

Your Neighbors Will: Never, ever enjoy the same music. Played through the goddamn wall. Your Neighbors Will: Never click through the DVD menu in a

“Never has Matt Damon’s hair looked so much like an English teacher’s.” “You’ll laugh (at a monkey in a clear garbage bag). You’ll cry (because

“Hi.  Hi there.  Um, my mom wanted me to call because you left your really good Sega game over here yesterday.  You’re probably wondering where

[alarm] Okay, c’mon buddy.  We can do this.  Once you’ve slept the 45 seconds more before your next alarm goes off, you’ll be ready to

This last week I went to a wedding where I was exposed to a tradition.  I was not aware that any dope in the room

The time it led to a big hole covered with leaves, which I should have noticed on a city street.  But hey, dollar! The time

Does God hear the prayers of unbelievers? Unfortunately, I think we sort of have dude by the balls here.  From what I hear, he knows

Age 15:  Haha, you wish.  No, I think I’ll be pretty busy with Castelvania: Symphony of the Night, thanks. Age 18: The best tactic is

See if you can figure out at which point I started to worry for myself. Pete is walking home from the grocery store at 11:30

Did you ever play this game in school? A teacher, one of the ones who thought it was cool to experience the tedium of history

Alright, let’s kick things off.  Let’s all go around the room and everyone can name their worst romantic regret.  Don’t be afraid to get sexy,

Can we knock it off with the police dogs already? This is not 1808.  You’re driving around to stop bums from shouting at ATM’s, not

*An historical note:  William Henry Harrison (“Sick Willy”) gave an inaugural address in the cold, and weeks later caught pneumonia and died, making him the

Have you noticed that the goal of every major sport is to take a small thing and put it in a larger thing? Football: Put

I have some questions about this phone call (play below under “Play Now”), which was left on the work voicemail of a friend. 1. What

Hey friend, how are you? I am well.  And yourself? Great! Great.  Well, because we are two human men over the age of 20, we

Dear Princess, Thanks for the item.  I’m sure it will help in my journey. Not to be a dick or anything, but reality check: About

Everyone have a seat. After last night I can see why they decided it was time to get some new management in here.  That was

“,…and then the cop asked me where I was going, so I told him work.” “What you should have said was, ‘Hey man, where were

Print 2-sided, dummies. MarioPosterGame

You know who you really need to watch out for? That guy who, given the choice in a video game, picks the girl character. We

Being the victim of this, can I tell you something that is really not cool? Having a dad who is an identical twin. It’s fucked

Because of the steady volume of films involving a body switch (Freaky Friday, whatever that fucking movie is that’s out right now, Freaky Friday again)

Episode AABF21: “Guess Who’s Coming to Criticize Dinner” [about Homer Simpson] McAllister: I’m surprised he doesn’t just give it up and go for sweatpants. Akira:

Pete:  Thanks again for seeing us doctor. Doctor: No problem. Pete:  I mean it.  Thanks a shitload.  I can’t imagine what a baby would do

National Treasure reminds us all that there’s treasure everywhere! No it doesn’t, and no there isn’t.  In my whole life I know one kid who

Nope, can’t wear the footed pajamas. Couple big issues here. First, I can see exactly where this is headed.  Once it’s okay to wear them

Big, huge, gigantic radio show tomorrow. In the meantime, have you been keeping up? You know that annoying 100 books list that comes up on

Whether you know it or not, you KNOW Clint Howard. He has played a series of roles, many of them involving white collared shirts. .

Holy shit! How did this get in here without waking me up? Where did someone get a horse around here? That’s an awfully wasteful use

Whenever I go to someone’s house and they have a water dispenser on the fridge, they really want you to use that shit. Go ahead,

First thing, god forbid this go directly to the screen that lets you pick some stuff.  I want a POV visual of going through a

Harry:  Dad, I just found a stone that gives you life forever and stopped an evil wizard! Dad Potter: That’s really great, son.  Just remember

It turns out that there ARE a couple downsides to installing a gyros spindle into the structure of your apartment. For one thing, when you’re

It’s time for the radio show to get its own theme song of its very own.  Check out the CR ad, submit if you’ve got

Quick recap: Nobody loves me, therefore I’m building a gyros spindle in my apartment. Quick recaps leave more room for What than Why, okay? After

After making the life-affirming decision to install a professional-grade gyros spindle in my kitchen as a way to compensate for the lack of ability to

A lot of people do weird things when they break up with someone. Like get a haircut or start showering or stop showering. I usually

Okay, I am going to make the following case: It is not appropriate to stare at breasts in public. There are many reasons for this,

Young Ray, I am very sorry to hear that you’re going blind.  However, that’s no reason that you can’t play wonderful music and be happy

1997- JK Rowling publishes Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone 1997- Pete discovers that zits are easier to pop after a hot shower. 1998- Google

1. Define a Question: A spider has escaped between the baseboard and the wall in my apartment.  Not wanting to spray anything too chemical-y inside,

Hi! We are a young couple looking to buy our first home. Our combined age is less than 50, and we’ve decided to cast off

It’s hard to express how I feel in words. I cleaned the bathroom today.  My apartment, in case you don’t know, is a wonderful, breezy

Howdy, I have a criticism on your packaging that I think needs to be pointed out. It’s not the picture of the pizza.  That’s working

Page 10: Interview with veterans who lost limbs and now work a dude ranch together. . . . . Page 19: Profile of the best

As a man who has, apparently, a 33% chance of being pregnant…Yes, about.com is bullshit.

“Bomb went off.  He never had a chance.  He’s gone to another place, man.  He’s in…the Hurt Locker now.” “You can’t just drive.  You have

Every time you see someone with a new haircut or a big lifestyle change, it’s because they just broke up with someone.  This is science,

Spanish spoken solely: SAME Hilarity of English words and brands that sneak in: SAME Amount of cleavage: DIFFERENT Tightness of Pants: DIFFERENT Days of the

Have you heard of this? The idea is that you have a daily topic that you blog about, and if you do all 30 days

Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Warp Zone? Son, let me explain something to you. I purchased a machine that I do not understand at all for $200. 

Let’s see…it says here you type 120 wpm.  Is that true?  Wow.  And what is a “whipum?”  Oh, oh, I see.  Yes, very good.  And

Hey, I have a great idea. Okay, we had twins.  We have to accept that.  It’s going to be tough. But how about this:  Instead

Smartest Airport Shuttle Driver: Reed. Dumbest Airport Shuttle Driver: Everyone but Reed. Person Who Was Right About Waiting at the Outlet Mall Instead of in

You are probably wondering where your weekly dose of RadioSnow is at.  If you’re wondering that, you’ve learned nothing about prepositions from all of this

Alarms, though annoying, make sense in a lot of situations.  Fires.  Burglar alarms.  Sirens that go off in the middle of techno dance songs. You

It is not, in fact, super. It does not, in fact, cost eight dollars to stay. The Tripadvisor review that is headlined “Not as bad

Having a Flagpole in the Front Yard If you see a flagpole in a yard, guarantee an old man lives there.  Every time.  What is

This is the craziest set of options on Earth. Yes, attending.  That makes sense. No, not attending.  That also makes sense. Maybe?  MAYBE!? That is

Did you know that today is America? I would like to present the two ways in which fireworks can be enjoyed: 1. At a Professional

“It’s not that I drank too much. I’ve been mixing too many different kinds of drinks.” Yeah, that’s probably it. It’s probably the mixture of

Step 1:  Pete reads an article in Nintendo Power magazine.  The article features a kid without arms who still manages to play Nintendo quite well

Always Make Sure to Arrive at the Airport 4 Hours Early Good tip.  No problem.  It would normally be really annoying to get up four

Can someone explain these to me? So you have this big ass car, and for some reason you can’t fit a goddamn cooler inside.  You

Name: Pete Phone: 303-KIC-KASS Occupation: Kicking Ass (once this goes through, anyway). Weapons Training: Once used a tennis racket to kill a bunch of moths

You wanna be on the radios? We’re looking for a few good co-hosts. Or a whole bunch of shitty ones. Be brave, take a chance.

At the ATM the other day, I was waiting for a dispensation of cash when the screen went bright fucking orange and asked me, “Do

It’s summer time, and a lot of people feel like this is a good reason to go around topless.  Specifically, men think this.  However, I

Good morning, everyone.  Please have a seat. As you’ve probably heard, Mr…Satin, is not in today.  So it looks like it’s you and me.  Buckle

Mr. Popper’s Penguins: Watch Jim Carrey ruin childhood idol number 3 (#1: The Grinch, #2: his portrayal of Corky in Dumb and Dumber)?  No thanks.

Stage 1: Fearless Optimism Pete feels that everything is going great.  The future is so bright that shades must be worn, and they are because

Exhibit A: Cost Every time you go bowling, it starts off as being the evening special where you only pay three dollars, and by the

Special Announcement: There will be a secret podcast recorded here in the next couple weeks.  It will not be on the regular feed, it will