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How does learning water and wilderness survival techniques help you in your space training? (Savina, age 14; Nigeria) Uh, that’s a damn good question.  Why

X Button “Stay where you are.  I’m 100% serious.  If you move, I will end you.  Please just stay there.” Y Button “Kindly stop shooting

If you’ve used Twitter, you’ve been followed by pornbots.  All in all, being “followed by pornbots” doesn’t sound like such a  tragedy.  Let’s cue the

“Aw, c’mon, buddy!  What are you, blind?  I mean, if you ARE blind, you were actually doing a phenomenal job up until that one call. 

Pool Noodle: I’m not entirely certain that I was ever in a pool with one of these.  In fact, if I ever found one while

My first year as principal, I decided that if the kids sold enough chocolate I would shave my beard.  Boy was that great.  They beat

Softball: Pro:  Pretty sure I could play equally well drunk. Con:  I look real bad in a button up shirt that is too long and

RomCom Pete: I love you. Lady: But I’m a klutzy weirdo who works at a newspaper. Pete:  Listen, I know that sounds bad to you,

Things Cops Don’t Like in TV Shows Climbing the ladder. When a little kid whose parents made really bad life choices ends up hit with

037: The painting hanging before you is in a rectangular shape.  It is covered in paints.  It represents some political event you’ve never heard of,

Because I find that I get a lot of the same questions about monocles, please read the FAQ.  If this does not answer your questions,

May 1996: I’m aware of the rumors.  That the mansion on the outskirts of town is haunted.  If I may, I think many of us

“It’s been a little while since we saw you last.” I’m taking a pretty boss vacation in a couple weeks.  I could use some cash. 

Day 1:  Pete survives the initial blast as he is still asleep in his subterranean apartment at 10 AM, a time at which the attackers

Someone is going to answer for this shit. If you work for a company, and it’s not a company that considers its primary function to

Welcome to your new thermos! This thermos is designed to keep hot stuff hot for 1 million hours and cold stuff cold for also 1

On the Front Porch: I saw someone doing this the other day.  I heard the sound while walking past his house, and I was thinking

WRONG: If you forget chips at the store I will fucking murder you. RIGHT: If U forget chips at the store I will fucking murder

If you end up with a hole in your pocket, simply stick and entire pack of gum in the pocket and then put it through

First Level: Absolutely None Second Level: Like you were shot in the goddamn face with a shotgun packed with glitter.  

-a sign for fresh cilantro -free copies of DVDs that involve any sort of bodyswap scenario, yet no nudity. -free tickets to the acoustic-guitar-playing dildo

SWMWCMH (single white male with chronic masturbating habit) SWFWNRSD (single white female with no REAL serious diseases) MMWWALSD (married man who wants a little side

With the summer olympics looming, I got to thinking. I bet every olympic athlete is waiting, just DYING waiting for the day that his or

-How loud indie music can be in polite company. -How close to the rim of a cup a hot liquid should reach. -The length of

If your phone does that thing where you send an email and it says “sent from my smartphone” at the bottom, I don’t care for

“Okay, so you’ve got a guy. He’s wearing no shirt and black jeans. He’s got awesome abs. He dives off of a high-tech skyscraper into

“Alright, my turn.  I’ll just slowly take my car out of park.  I really should ask someone else how they stop all the way for

Thanks for staying with us.  We hope this bedside binder will help you figure out what to do while you’re in town. Dining Lucky you,

Hey guys, wanna play some B-ball? Hey guys, wanna play hoops? Hey guys, wanna do some baskets? Hey guys, how would you feel about a

Times That NO NOT ATTEMPT Appears on the TV Screen: When a car is driving in the mountains. When someone does a stunt to prove

Things That I Was Led to Believe Caused Explosions by Movies: Photocopying a mirror. Spraying soda into an electronic keycard reader. The existence of gas

Purple:  Illuminated alongside the red light to indicate that the light JUST changed and you ARE going to be late for work. Orange:  The purpose

Well, not to be disrespectful of the previous leaders.  I’m sure they were a fine bunch of evil queens and disenfranchised princes, but this place

1.  No smoking in the fountain. 2. Even in an astronaut bubblehead thing that would make it possible. 3. No wearing underwear under your bathing

The Little Mermaid Theme:  Sometimes you have to risk it all for what you really want. Takeaway:  Two shells with no visible means of support

Applause-o-Meter Pro: Crowd Participation Con: Emperor sick and tired of aqueduct-powered devices.  Always with the goddamn aqueducts.   Coin Toss Pro:  Emperor not TOTALLY to

Ah, a well-placed Batarang should crack that liquid nitrogen pipe and put Mr. Freeze…on ice! Shit, not in that belt pouch.  Check the other pouch

“Well, I like when I come back from the bathroom and the food is there.  So I figured that if I drink a lot, I’ll

-So you’re ready to start yelling at kids for money instead of just for fun. -Jumping Jacks:  What are they? -Jumping Jacks:  Why are they?

Just a quick little change around here, we’re going to do a little re-formatting. No, that’s not like updating the shit Facebook app on my

Publication of a book of top Kickstarter contributors, including names, addresses, and potential blackmail topics. A sterilizing lamp to use on the needles that are

Scenario: You wake up in the hospital after a traumatic head injury that has caused serious memory loss. I, your loyal friend, am there to

-Outside of Build-a-Bear -Dated and bagged inside your father’s freezer. -Inside the little door on Day 1 of an advent calendar. -Stuck to your sock

There’s a farmer who has 6 cows, 4 brown and 2 white.  While he’s working in the fields he finds a scrap of paper on

What are your standards for the difference between scratch paper and garbage? Because a lot of people don’t seem to have standards in place regarding

I wanted to let you know that I find the Recycle Bin idea very lame.  It was cute for a time, and I suppose it’s

Instead of: “No fucking way, I am not going to the art museum.” Say: “I want to be adult about this, so I’ll give you

Because it has been far too long of me sleeping in the same bed, and because nobody should sleep in the same bed he slept

Boy, you know what I would really like to see?  Another painting of a bowl of fucking fruit. I don’t even get excited by a

I am the Michael Jordan of putting on my sweats backwards and pinching my crotch. I am the Michael Jordan of growing spiders under a

-Huge gorilla dressed in red bow tie, trained to deliver box of chocolates while rollerskating. -Huge man with sawed-off shotgun and rollerBLADES who will be

“Welcome to McDonald’s, would you like to try our most bizarre sandwich offering?” “Thanks for choosing Burger King.  What would you say to a food

Scenario: You are going to an all-white office party (not because others are excluded, but because that happens to be the makeup of your office).

Tonight I’ll be recording tomorrow’s show based on a behind-the-scenes look at Pete’s Unsent Love Letters. If you have any questions about them or things

Who knew this whole thing would turn into such a political fiasco? Okay, in hindsight, I can admit that part of this is probably my

No more being the captured, helpless princess for me! This time I’m part of the team, baby! If you’re ever a princess who is making

What a strange, strange couple of days it’s been.   Being captured by a dinosaur was bad enough.  Then I heard someone was coming to

I was pretty lucky to have my girlfriend use chalk paint on my car to ask me to homecoming. Haha, sure, some people gave me

What’s up, guys!? You know, they call it Colorful Colorado, but I really think we could Colorado has many exciting Colorado has its fair share

The last couple times I stayed at a hotel, there was a sign on the door asking me to use my towel more than once

I, for example, spell freedom by coming in the door, throwing my jacket on the ground, busting out my smartphone, and singing the theme song

“The only one who can stop those nuclear codes from falling into enemy hands is Fancy.  Fancy, don’t let me down.” “This patient is beyond

“Would it be that weird instead of picking music if we listened to our individual iPods?” “I’m really tired.  Would it bother you if I

“She plays volleyball.” Does that whole thing where they aggressively call things translate to other parts of life?  If I offer to help with chores,

Cy-Kill Kurupt Fitor Papoose Cop-Tur Hot Rod Hans-Cuff Nutrageous Crain Brain Great White Snoop Niggarachi Major Mo stic.man Small Foot   Answer (white font, highlight

Have you been to a jail before?  Okay, I’m thinking Jail, but much, much worse.  Like the kind of jail an evil Count would design.

Couple’a Assholes at a Tall Table Let’s Look at My Hair!  In the Morning! Didja Hear it Loud Hour? Have We Got Some Shit for

I read a book and was disappointed.  Surprise! I read some comics.  And I wasn’t disappointed in the least.  Also Surprise!, but in a less

I know, it’s far away.  But I got excited.  Sue me. Also, visit bumwine.com if this is a topic of interest for you.

Music:  Creating ringtones that are somewhat less abrasive.  Or more abrasive, depending on whether we’re talking about a Boost Mobile user. Mathematics:  Designing price structure

I will never forgive my dad for using the word “poo-poo” in the context of, “I have to go”. What the fuck, man?

After seeing some pretty egregious comments on a number of videos, due to the story they did on 60 Minutes about this very topic which

Top 10 Breakdowns in Public Top 10 Subway Sandwiches Eaten in My Car, in the Parking Lot, at My Work. Top 10 Disappointments (media category)