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-Because voting is for suckers who love waiting in confusing lines that snake around crappy card tables and are staffed by children and the elderly

1 Blunt Scissors So they’re not even going to teach you how to use regular scissors?  Well, I don’t think I’ll be wasting moolah on

If You Give a Goose a Six-Pack If You Give a Ferret a Habitat in Your Home for Some Reason If You Give a Cat

A friend once pointed out to me the best part of Willy Wonka.  When Charlie opens the candy bar and there’s no golden ticket inside,

GymmieGym @oldmanballs  3h Another day, another pair of beige shorts, another workout ~ GymmieGym @oldmanballs  2h Found gum under bench in locker room.  Decided to

The Technologically-Challenged: “How come there isn’t an app to do this one very specific task that only I really care about, and really only for

Toby Keith’s Down Home Chicken Finger Unfreezery Toby Keith’s Chicken Finger Emporium. Toby Keith’s Loudest Chicken Finger Outlet of All Time Ever, Amen. Toby Keith’s

Raccoon City As much as I enjoy a nice raccoon here and there, I feel like a city named for them might have a higher

There’s nothing like fresh veggies, locally grown and sold at your local farmer’s market.  You can truly taste the freshness.   But also, burgers are

Hi, I’m Michael Haggar.  But you can call me Mike.  Or just Haggar. A lot of you probably recognize me from a lot of different

Yesterday I was outside.  This is significant not only because I was outside, one of my most hated places, but also because it’s an important

Just like every year, some new words were added to the dictionary.  And just like every year, people make a big old deal about it. 

1.  Someone has developed a shrink ray and decided to first try it out on ice cream sandwiches, then Rick Moranis, then release it to

“Nightswimming” by REM – I’m in good shape, but not made of stone here. “Stay” by Lisa Loeb – Feeling a little nostalgic,  a little

Child: I think it was Miss Peacock, in the  Conservatory, with the candlestick. Mom: Just to clarify.  You’re saying that, in order to win this

-Increased frequency of complaints about how establishments don’t often enough have hat racks for a man’s fedora these days. -Deeper appreciation and understanding of tweed.

Musket Days: Okay, I think I got this.  So you open this thing.  What’s a frizzen? Okay, never mind.  You open this shit and dump

You guys remember this crap? Something about the commercials for this sold me and just about every kid I knew that Kix were awesome.  Kix

I hope your life more wonderful’s a good, You have brought up a very excellent details post. Yes, thank you.  I also hope my life

This is one of the harder things I’ve ever done. For starters, I don’t think his hands are grown enough to hold most of the

With a toothbrush in my mouth and after-sleep nausea in my belly, I stood at the sink and watched as a spider climbed out through

Okay, old men of the world.  I’ve seen a couple odd fashion choices the last few days that need to be addressed.  Not so much

First things first, always remember that you are a pizza man.  You’re not required to do anything you don’t want to do here.  It’s hard

Synchronized Swimming “Do you ever use your synchronizing skills in other areas?  I think you’d be really good at doing the thing where two people

“Do I need more than three clubs?” “If I only need 3 clubs, do I need a whole golf bag or can I just carry

Good Evening, It has come to my attention that there are those out there who feel that futons are appropriate items.  Below are a few

I’m a little confused about the Olympics.  Actually, I’m a lot confused about the Olympics, but I’m breaking it up into smaller chunks to better

-Your ears have a very odd shape.  Especially the hole part.  That is all wrong, which is why we do not stay in. -Your torso

-Some sort of really awful spider that uses a trap door and keeps its victims alive for an inordinately long amount of time. -The biography

1 Junior Mint: Wow, what a delicious treat.  Thanks! 2 Junior Mints: These are really good.  Waxy, but good waxy. 3 Junior Mints: I’m becoming

Pro: Because skin is composed of small bits of tissue, damaged skin is easily replaced. Con: Damaged skin is replaced with corpse skin.   Pro:

1.  Oftentimes in literature it is said that the length of a section has a lot to do with how important the author finds the

After getting a decent forearm sunburn that made me look like some kind of lobster man, or maybe a regular man with very embarrassed forearms,

I am not a man of stone.  I have concern for other people.  So if someone is suffering from a medical problem, I am happy

I’m confused about this thing where people go running through banners.  This might be related to the fact that my sports knowledge lacks depth.  ANY

Banging a battery-powered nose hair trimmer against the bathroom counter until it fired up.

Thanks for coming to our craft day!  This should be a TON of fun. Over here we’ve got paper, crappy scissors that couldn’t even cut

Unattended Children will be given a room temperature glass of water and a long discussion about heartbreak. Unattended children will be given a pep talk

1. I like this game. 2. I like this game. 3. I fucking hate this game.

Monday Morning: Oh, crap.  I don’t have anything to eat.  Okay, tonight I’ll go to the grocery store, for sure.  Right after work, straight to

-It’s perfectly safe to drink out of a can or bottle after a bottle rocket has been launched from it.  It tastes horrible, but you’re

Hi Kathy, I was trying to think of something to start this off with.  Something that might soften the blow here.  When I was young,

Hi There! So here’s the thing, you only gave me one line to put emergecny contact info.  That’s just not enough.  I don’t know how

“Do you think there’s a roof leak, or are we looking at an overfull drip tray when we’ve got just the right conditions for condensation

Dog Food- I don’t care to imagine that they’re dog food pieces.  That would be sad.  To imagine Pac-Man is running through a maze and

Welcome! If you’re reading this, you are one of our newest employees.  Hopefully you are wearing your gigantic, un-ironed button-up shirt that makes it look

As many of you know, I try to be fairly polite when the situation calls for it. Like when meeting new people, or meeting their

Today is my brother’s birthday. One of the greatest moments in comedy that I can remember is from a time I was with my brother. 

Congratulations on purchasing this tent.  What an exciting day for all of us.  Hopefully you have many years of camping joy ahead of you with

Age 5:  A bone happens in my peep. Age 10: It feels like my peen is full of pee.  Like a pee balloon.  But nice

Dear Pete, Below you will find sample copy and a list of cookies for which we need descriptions.  Please write a brief introduction to each

With a suit at a formal gathering. With a nice sweater and slacks ensemble at a semi-formal occasion. With dark jeans a nice shoes while

Alright guys, shit’s getting bad.  Real bad.  But let’s get a couple things straight in these couple minutes that we bought by pushing a piece

Dear Friends, As you may know, I will be joining an annual rafting trip on the Colorado River this weekend.  In Utah.  Why the Colorado

My phone has a button that says “.com” right next to the period.  I would like to apologize for the following texts: “Alright.  Goodnight.com”  Not

No: I guess I’d better get up this morning. Yes:  I guess I’d better get up this morning, pull down a box of cereal, delicately

I fell down the stairs.  And into a bar fight. I was holding up a pair of binoculars to watch a bird.  Then the bird

CAN:  Point it in the general direction of something fairly close and make a hole. CANNOT: Carve a cross into the point of every bullet

Today, for the fifth or so time, I saw someone using a mobility scooter with someone else RIDING ON HIS LAP.  Guys, not a motorcycle. 

You consider it legitimate apartment-hunting practice to scatter pieces of candy around the room and wait for ants to emerge from the baseboards. Your questions

Dear Camp, I am desperately looking for a place to unload my son for a good part of the summer.  This is ostensibly because I

Saw you driving the other day.  In a car.  I was also in a car.  You gave me a meaningful look.  The meaning it was

A quick playlist of some of our best stuff.  Or at least some of the stuff that I bothered to make videos for.  10 minutes

Every other day, one part or another of the gym is closed.  Usually because they are going to have 4 million kids destroying the premesis

Tea Kettle Creek Peppermint Hollow Shortcake Grove Walrus Cove Gingerbread Springs Tabby Beach Michael’s Craft Store Gulch  

Outlaw those little blue swimming pools in high crime areas. Make those little blue swimming pools transparent on the bottom. Make those little blue swimming

Cloth Seats! REAL cloth?!  Wowzers.  Wherever did you find such a treasure, such a jewel of the textile industry?  And to think that you used

After looking through some Urban Dictionary synonyms for vagina for yesterday’s post, I felt like I had a responsibility to point out some of these

Objective:  See if you can guess whether the following words are synonyms for “vagina” or the names of Ikea products.  Solution is in the comments

Dear Coffee Place, I think your place is great, and your coffee is anything but disgusting and horrible.  It’s very good. Thanks for all you

It is improper to stay in the car, send your son out to the Redbox, and then demand that he shout the available titles back

Romney urges grads to honor family commitments Grads likely received message despite being so fucking wasted, bro. * Syria militants claim responsibility for blasts Bullshit,

Mom, Thanks for everything.  You know that Skynyrd song “Simple Man”?  Where the mom said all the stuff to the son about following his heart

Phone Tree Inclement Weather