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Cheese:  The secret to great nachos is shredding the cheese because it heats more evenly and melts better.  The secret to shredding cheese is that

Okay, so that’s going to be a ten minute wait.  Here’s a crazy pager that looks like an air hockey puck from Tron.  Take that

Just wanted to say thanks.  Without them this wouldn’t have been possible.  Well…actually, those assholes mostly ate time.  The zoo?  Are you fucking kidding me? 

-Gun shopping is halted for one day. -Mistress amnesty events across the country allow adulterers to wipe the slate clean. -This one day a year

-Electric chair executions will now be performed in threes, the chair-sitter holding hands with two other inmates. -From now on I will be DRIVING home

Top 10 Stomach Aches Solved by a Simple Diarrhea. Top 10 Television Shows from the Mid-90’s I Just Saw Top 10 Ikea Lamps Purchased with

Every year I participate in a little event called Beardwatch.  Like most of my big social events, I’m the only participant.  Also like most of

A) “Oh dear.  Someone is having their vehicle stolen.  Or WOULD BE if it weren’t for that car alarm.  Whew!” B) “Ah!  A car alarm. 

~ Get Fit in 2013 Pro:  huge internet bandwidth savings as instead of streaming pornography I could simply lift up my shirt, look at my

Just the other day I was talking about some Batmen I had as a kid that were total shit. Mostly because I wanted a goddamn

No, I don’t have any plans yet. Yes, there is an internal struggle at work here where I don’t really feel like doing anything, but

Got this awesome FanART from friend of the show Matt. The crushing veil of depression is briefly lifted.

Can anyone explain to me why, in an 80’s movie, people thought a girl was awesome at sex if she could tie a cherry stem

  “Wow.  Ruh-roh, huh guys? “Okay.  Gut instinct, they’re real fucked.  Real, real fucked.  I just want to put my opinions out on the table. 

Thanks for updating to the newest version of iTunes completely against your will and only because it was required in order to continue having any

A: Low Dry Button I honestly have no idea what this does or why a person would use it.  I mean, yeah, I get it,

[knocking] “Anne, you home?  Hello?” “Oh, hey Pete.  I’m just downstairs.  Come on in.” “Hey, great.  Listen I brought over those jars of…what the fuck

Hello, If you’re reading this, it’s because you’ve come to realize that the world is a little unsafe and dangerous.  Maybe it’s because you had

The Portly Marcia The Regina, Who Was More Than Mildly Unpleasant in Restaurants The Great Jasmine, Who Really Knew How Fucking Great She Was and

I have an important question for Starbucks baristas. When did it become a contest to see who could fill a coffee cup to the absolute

The Grey…is the Color of the Vaginal Pubes of the Woman…Because This is One of Those Grandma Things Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy OF VAGINA

The other day I found out that they remade Red Dawn.  This is true.  This is a real thing that happened.  Never mind the fact

2 Down:  Frequent overstayer of welcomes. 3 Down:  Caterpillar-browed gentleman. 9 Down:  Leaver of yard urine. 12 Down:  “Oh my god, turn off the lights

Because the last Twilight movie is out, I thought maybe I would give a quick recap of the previous films based on my personal knowledge. 

Gourmet Smoked Ham Club A full 1/4 pound of real applewood smoked ham, provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato, & real mayo Why always with the applewood? 

Can anyone explain to me why lockers have vents on the front?  I don’t understand that at all.  Honestly, I always had this fantasy about

is that when I’m at a Mexican restaurant, eating chips and salsa, when a chip is overflowing and threatening to drip salsa all over me,

  Fast Lane black tea, in addition to being a great way to start the morning, also features box art that commemorates the day that

Hello all.  Thanks for reading this. Or, at least I hope you do. Look, I know there’s a lot of people telling you to vote,

Alright, shitheads, listen up. I bet you’re surprised I said Shitheads, huh?  Well, we’re in a class where we use tools that could take your

.1 Sec Oh, hell.  This guy looks thirsty.  Actually, he looks like an idiot, and idiots are ALWAYS thirsty.  Why is that? .2 Sec Alright. 

“Holy shit, where am I?” “You are in cryo prison.  You’ve been thawed for a parole hearing.” “Oh.  Okay.  Can I have a jacket?” “No. 

Oh, that old thing?  Just an acoustic guitar I picked up somewhere.  You know, Clapton wrote a little song about some kid that fell out

“The Temperature is 58-degrees today.” Oh, um, shit.  Shit?  Well, maybe not shit.  I don’t know.  The sun is the part that does the warming? 

Guys, I know you’re probably tired of hearing it, so I’ll keep it short. Every year I see a huge collection of costumes that sexify

Since the dawn of time we’ve all been dreading the late Sunday afternoon of time. Since the dawn of time I have been alive because

-When making Spaghetti-O’s, set aside 1/3 of the “sauce” to use later as a sauce in a terrible homemade French bread pizza. -If you don’t

So you want to break in your new baseball glove?  Great, no problem.  Follow these dozens of simple steps and pretty soon you’ll have the

Do the coffee shops you all attend have pipe guys?  By which I mean guys who smoke pipes as opposed to guys working on pipes? 

Pen Taped Up With a Plastic Flower and Jammed in a Flower Pot: We’ve all seen this, right?  A nice flower pot filled with stupid-looking

Question: Why is it that we can put stickers on our cars that say “I [heart] Boobies” because they are in support of cancer?  Or

First off, I would like to applaud you all for thinking to wear swimwear while washing a car.  Too often I’ve seen people who claim

This method gucci aviator sunglasses us all. I guess when you use Mad Libs to create your comments, this is about what you can expect.

Initiative:  K9 Unit Testing Period: 90 Days Result:  K9 units  very effective at grabbing arms of criminals and shaking head around.  In written post-arrest surveys,

***“Overall, decent for the money!” Pete seems like a good guy for the most part.  I mean, he’s relatively inexpensive, so don’t expect too much. 

Okay, guys.  We’ve got a serious crime on our hands.  First stop is the office supply store.  I’m going to need some shit. First, red

So there was an issue I had trying to sell a guitar on Craigslist.  And the potential buyer needed to be punished.  Hence, this video,

Monster:  Fuck Oatmeal. Monster:  Not just t-shirts and hats and stickers anymore, before which we weren’t just a drink and then became t-shirts and hats

“Oh snap!  There’s an election this year?  And that guy is one of the guys?  And I should vote for him?  Okay.  Great!  Thank you. 

Has it occurred to anyone else that the device in Hangman, the Hanged Man, is kind of a fucked up idea?  I mean, think about

Alright, Chocolate.  Vanilla.  Two down, no problem. And Pink.  What’s the pink kind in the three-ice-cream thing?  Whatever that is. Also, the three-ice-cream thing.  We’re

New favorite coffee machine. So much to love. First of all, we have our friend Wolfgang.  Look at him. He looks utterly gobsmacked about this

“No, I don’t think that Legos are an appropriate building material for a high school science project.” “You can’t turn in math homework with goddamn

Say “Shit” a bunch of times. Consider calling someone. Reconsider after realizing that there’s no way this conversation doesn’t begin with me explaining, through tears,

Nothing like coming out onto your front steps to find a sopping wet pair of women’s underpants crumpled on the sidewalk.  Nothing like that as

I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.  Because that’s when I see your butt. You must be tired.  From

Guy:  Pete, I need you to do me a favor. Pete:  I’d rather not. Guy:  Okay, but I have that spell book you need.  And

Alright, kids.  It looks like I’ve made the kind of mistakes in my life that have resulted in me being your new crossing guard.  These

Sort of a preview of what’s coming on tomorrow’s show, I wanted to talk in more detail about the game that’s sweeping the nation. I

Poor Broke Teachers Still Poor, Upset One Teacher Makes Big Difference in Little Lives, Poses for Photo With Lots of Kids Hugging in Swarm Fashion

Step One: Find the honeycomb. Step Two: Give the honeycomb to the bear guarding the enchanted cave. Step Three: Try to look surprised when villagers

I’ll never forget that night.  It was raining.  Pouring.  I remember that because my wife said she could hear the sawing roar of my snores

It’s been a while since we’ve done one of these. I thought it might be fun to show off some of my newest face-fixing gear.  

How is everyone’s grandma doing?

-If you look closely, it’s actually a bullet.  With butterfly wings.  Which is not my favorite song, or even my favorite Smashing Punkins song.  But

Yesterday I went to get some shit out of my fridge and the shit was frozen. Milk.  It was milk that was frozen, not shit. 

-Does your person have a shitty look? -Does your person have the deadened eyes of someone who has seen too many deaths, edged too close