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Not really enjoying this latte foam art business anymore.  Leaves.  Leaves were fine.  Hell, what else are you going to do at a coffee place?

Hotel Sex: “Alright…baby.  The Holiday Inn Express is pulling into the station.  At vagina junction.  Ah, who am I kidding?  I jacked off in a

I love how places have signs that say, “We proudly serve Starbucks coffee.”  Like it’s really difficult.  I serve Starbucks coffee, and I live in

The other day I was at the gym.  Those of you that know where I go know that it seems to be a bottomless pit

Me:  Uh, hi. GNC Guy: Hello.  Is this your first time here? Me:  Uh huh. GNC Guy:  Well, welcome.  I can see you’re not as

Probably one of my weirdest habits is spending a lot of time thinking in analogy. When someone tells me something, I can’t help but say,

You’ll have to excuse me for the shittiness of this picture. I was drunk and laughing my ass off. The need to know information here

Okay class, you’re going to be working on a research paper. [oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.  Please say we get library day.  That is

I think I know why I like Atomic Robo so much: It’s everything that I was promised by the Iron Man movies. Iron Man is

Are you guys getting options at the ATM that I don’t see?  Because I think you’re all pushing far more than 4 buttons right off

Age 5: This is my Winston from Ghostbusters.  He does….he does this. I like my Venkman because he’s more funnier.  I left him at home

Uh.  Hi.  Hi class. Uh, this is a book I read.  It’s called Ninja Gaiden.  It was really good.  Um, the bosses, I mean, the

Colored Pencils- As art moved forward and there was a strong desire to put professional tools in the hands of the average person, many different

Much to my dismay, what did I see at the grocery store this fine, fine spring eve? Yuuuup.  This is a thing.  Now, to save

Ahem. If I may. Why in the name of holy fuck would a person use packing peanuts when sending TOWELS in the mail? I am

Good Evening, Before we go to far, I recognize that I’m a white male who has very little interest in the well-being of Angelina Jolie’s

It’s been over a year. It’s time for me to throw in the towel on this one. Before I write this review, I would like

Spec Ops: the Line. That is too many words plus a colon, so let’s just agree to call it “Spool.” I know that doesn’t really

Hi, everyone!  Welcome to Pete’s  Freezer Meal Seminar!  Today we’re going to learn about making large quantities of food, freezing portions and feeding yourself for

Wow, what a nice bathroom, huh? Haven’t you always wanted to sit face-to-face with someone while they were shitting? To see every contortion and strain

Yeah, those are what you think they are. That’s a whole collection of wooden tokens from the orthodontist. Baby. It takes a man of a

Cord management, AKA a hole. What an amazing feature. Absolutely incredible. Let me just ask, in what other cases does a hole constitute management? A

Mmmmm….. Nothing like food spattered all over the inside of a Tupperware perfectly clouded by the ravages of dishwashers and time. What an appetizing treat

Quickly, while we’re looking at this, can someone explain to me why it would be necessary to print Not For Resale on this sticker? Who

Ah, THERE’S the unintended catalyst for the uncontrollable crying jag that I’ve been waiting for.

Forever?  I didn’t even race for the better part of a day. Supposedly you can start this book twice.  At the beginning you choose to

Okay, I figured I had a decent chance on this one. Unlike seeking the yeti or getting along with martians, running track is something I’ve

Balls! Balls, balls, balls! This being my third adventure of choosing, I decided to take a different tack. I thought, “Well, trying to figure out

Another failure. Damnation. This one was actually quite the spectacular failure, and the way you know that you’ve failed at a Choose Your Own Adventure

Damn it! I thought I might try my way through some of these books to see if I’ve gotten any smarter since childhood. I was

Dearest Worshippers, Well, it’s clear now that I won’t be names pope.  Ain’t that a bitch? Haha, but seriously, all in all, I think we

Click the Text, Live the ADVENTURE! HelpfulsnowmanTheGame

Hey guys, this Looney Tunes stuff is going great, huh? Now the studio is telling us that we have free reign.  Do whatever we want. 

We, the COG (Coalition of Ordered Ground-level apartments) will not rest until this ant menace is destroyed. We will fight them on the surface, and

“After about two days I was clawing at the walls.  Get me outta here, you know?   I just wanted to be outside or doing work

9 AM: “Hey, welcome back!  How was your vacation?” Oh man, it was awesome!  The flight was a little bumpy, but the captain got on

The world of board games was set alight by the announcement that Monopoly would be replacing a piece.  Not since checkers introduced the innovation of

Unbeknownst to him, Pete sired a son several years ago.  He thought he beknownst that this was impossible without engaging in sexy sex with a

I’m real bad at this fucking game.  But I showed some skeletons WHAT!  

Unbeknownst to him, Pete sired a son several years ago.  He thought he beknownst that this was impossible without engaging in sexy sex with a

Unbeknownst to him, Pete sired a son several years ago.  He thought he beknownst that this was impossible without engaging in sexy sex with a

1. Ask him if his hair is actually getting thicker, and ask what the opposite of receding is because that’s what his hair is doing.

It was the hottest summer anyone could remember, even Old Gretchen who lived down near the lake, and she was maybe about as old as

Gravy Doritos Tater Tots Stuffed with Lil’ Smokies Chicken Soup with Cheeto Crumbles Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bathed in the Juice That Collects at the Top

Welcome to Valentine’s Day. I thought that for Valentine’s Day I would do something special and discuss what I find to be a common fight/complaint

Thanks, thanks for coming out everybody.  Let’s get another quick round of applause for Bruce Springsteen’s song that I didn’t license in any way because

It is created with paints as opposed to in a filthy mirror using a mobile phone camera. The undergarments do not have words printed on

-We will all sort of get over Eric Clapton, and though this will not be announced the feeling will be in the air and palpable.

I’ll be checking analytics to see who amongst you visited based on that title.  Expect a letter.

Can we stop saying that attractive young women have a Girl Next Door quality?  Can we stop that?  I recognize that surely someone lived next

Did any of you actually have swear jars?   Or is this just a thing that happens in movies and TV, like time portals and the

Alright, we’re ready to ship.  Now, let me ask you guys, how many of these things should we sell in one package?  We’re obviously not

Thanks for using Microsoft Office.  We say that even though we know that most people using this stuff have no real choice because either a

Reason 1:  The other night I decided to eat an apple to really get my life back on track.  It’s a bad sign when you

Yesterday you were lucky enough to hear my thoughts on the condoms available in the Trojan Pleasure Pack. As sometimes happens, I was a bit

Option 1:  Twisted Pleasure Really?  As option ONE?  I don’t think I’m ready to just dive into twisting just yet. What the hell is that,

I just submitted a new blog to the Great Tumblr Book Contest.  You can ask me for advice.  Here are the posts I submitted.  SO

This is perhaps the best thing I’ve seen: a list of the reasons David Banner turned into the Hulk in the classic television series. Some

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I hate Pinterest. Is it unfair? Am I being unfair? Maybe. But here’s what I’ve come up with.

00:01 “That little guitar riff…what is that?  That sounds so familiar.” 00:08:  “Oh wow.  Ohhhh wow.  Do not touch anything unless it’s something that makes

My regular keyboard was replaced with a wireless keyboard that operates on AAA batteries. I mean, this seems like an improvement of sorts on the

I hate this shit. That little space, that tiny gap is what turns a marker into a stick.  A stick that, instead of marker lines,