Archives

-Re-homing fees for pets. -Salt&Vinegar Chips. -Pornography. -Windows Surface Tablets. -Used Copies of Jagged Little Pill. -Harry&David Pears. -Large Quantities of Bic pens. -Sunscreen.

  Let’s start with this little lady.  Honestly, I didn’t ever get too terribly hard even though I’d be fondling this bottle during the real

How use Snapchat How add letters Snapchat How draw Snapchat How draw fat fingers What is the ghost on Snapchat Can I have 35 best

Alright, Jim, I’m going to need you to drag out that surfer guy we’ve kept in isolation since the mid-90’s. Make sure he doesn’t see

SUPERMAN: Oh, your freezer is broken? Allow me. My freeze breath will keep your foods chilled until a repairman can get here. ANY NORMAL HUMAN:

Oof.  It’s cold as hell out here.  I’d better build a shelter. How’d I get this far out anyway? Why would I be out here

A dark shame of mine is that I never passed the high school writing assessment. Actually, I want to strike that from the record.  This

1. Have you ever been described in terms normally reserved for cleaning products, words such as “abrasive”, “scouring” or “only use in a well-ventilated area”?

Hello.  I’m interested in getting a giant system put in my car.  You know, the kind that makes crazy bass noises. What’s that?  Yes, I’m

Here are the kinds of students. There is the kind of student who brings pencils. And not only brings pencils, but as a tween is

First Log: This is cool.  I’m like a goddamn mountain man. Second Log: This is way better than being a mountain man.  I’m like Rocky

Thank you all for coming.  The work we do today will echo into the ages.  Well, not echo.  That’s a bad way of describing it. 

I do not have a good beard. Or mustache. If I ever have a good mustache, I’ll grow the hell out of it for the

-The Witching Hour: how missing curfew affects you, your community, and the economy. -The Earie Canal: a whirlwind tour through the human ear and how

This happened today.  It’s still sort of happening.  The way it happens when you cram a bunch of paper in the trash, where they uncurl

*click* Well.  Here we are. Listen, I’m really sorry about this whole thing.  Why do we even go to these parties?  I mean, think about

What a wonderful machine. Can I explain to you why I don’t work at the soda company? Because I don’t understand simple rules like adding

40-Yard Dash: Athlete spent large amount of time complaining about “asinine” distance.  Athlete repeatedly questioned the wisdom of going 40 yards as opposed to 50

Front Crawl: There are two keys to mastering this basic stroke. One, you should be looking straight down at the bottom of the pool to

Well, I’ve got quarters.  God knows I’ve got a couple minutes.  Let’s check the options here… Kay.  Red ball things.  Does anyone know what these

Based on an experience I had today where I ate a large portion of a sandwich that I thought SURELY couldn’t be bologna and then

How do they decide who is best at going down the snow tube and doing spins? Why can’t they do skis versus snowboards and settle

Rocketed away from a dying planet, Kal-El discovered that the Earth’s yellow sun imbued him with super powers.  He became Superman! Pete, rocketed away from

When high school nerd Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider, he found that he had gained the proportional speed and strength of a

…setting places for four people and only including 2 coffee cups.  I guess it’s a gamble that sometimes pays off.  People don’t all want coffee. 

The other night I went to this party.  It was a fancy party, but the bad fancy kind.  There’s the good fancy kind where everything

Central Vacuums:  You’ll always know someone who had one, but you will never own one yourself.  If you do happen to own one, it will

Before we go out, would it be cool if I gave your email away to some friends?  They’ll only email you, like, a couple times

A few weeks ago I cut my own hair.  It was all over the tabloids, but it’s okay if you missed it. Getting a haircut

Gatorade Frost: Glacier Freeze 2014 Fla-Vor-Ice, The Pink One That No One Likes Like Right When You Get Out of The Pool And It’s Cold

In looking at some apartments, I figured, Hey, let’s use that Google Maps shit to check out the neighborhood.  See what it’s like. Well, that’s

Every time you think that maybe you see the weirdest thing ever in the bathroom, you find something else. I’m not talking about 1-800-Asshole scratched

1.  Get rid of all the F keys.  Those things are dumb.  We get it, you can make crazy little rows of keys just for

      Whenever a new catalogue comes in to work, it’s always a good idea to take a look.  Whether it be the maybe-racist

Erin, I apologize for not texting you back sooner. Snowbowl is coming. In the meantime, please accept this apology graphic. Stay Shiny! Glitter Delight –

0:02 – While straining so hard on a straw that he was causing the structure of said straw to warp. 0:04 – Mid-effort while dragging

“I’m going to break bad these Doritos.” “Don’t worry about the change.  It’s all breaking bad in the end, right?” “Couple of breaking bads moved

Mother’s maiden name? Mother’s favorite flower? Color of the skin around your mother’s eyes? What your mother said the first time you came home far

We’ve all tried this one.  From now on, it’s biking to work every day, getting up at 5:30, reading the entire newspaper, the one that

Holidays in a small town almost always mean a night out drinking with a weird mixture of people.  There’s your friends, the ones who live

There are those times when you show up to the bar.  Or party, or gathering of friends, or possibly my bathtub which is filled with

“Thanks for joining our insane, useless service!  I know you got tricked into signing up for this because only a complete lunatic with SEVERE head

It has come to my attention that this bullshit is still be happening. Let me be the first to say, I know there is no

As we all know, I’m a huge fan of reviews of things written by amateurs.  Half the reason I take vacations is for the excuse

It just so happens that yours truly stopped by the thrift store to see if what this Mackeral fella was saying was true. The important

Dear Pete, Oh man, I forgot to thaw my turkey.  What should I do? From, Warren Hi Warren! That IS a turkey emergency.  Turkurgency?  Turmergency? 

On the flight out of Denver a woman sat next to me with a combination of two snacks.  Guess which one of the following is

“You can change channel on all TVs to whatever the fuck you want.  Is great?” “If you’ve ever wanted to watch a middle schooler fuck

Complaining about the horrors of my gym has become a normal past time.  However, walking downtown the other day, I came across this gem, a

Like yesterday’s post, I wanted to talk about another of these little viral stories that’s been going around.  Again, I hate them because I feel

People who know me know that one of my biggest hates is the weird viral stories that I suspect are A) Not entirely true in

I accidentally discovered one of the underrated differences between people who are attractive and people who are not. I assume that attractive people, when someone

SITCOM APARTMENTS- giant, hardwood floors, vintage decorations, Manhattan. REAL APARTMENTS- ceilings low enough that the shortest of men dread entering, carpet spilled on enough that

NEVER STOP BELIEVING TRY TO BELIEVE UNTIL AT LEAST 4 PM SHOOT FOR BELIEF THROUGH THE LUNCH HOUR AT LEAST READ THE SIGN ALOUD READ

Ah, the AC/DC pinball machine.   This is a really pleasant sight that you can stare down upon while playing for hours on end.   Pleasant, fun,

ON THE AIRPLANE Okay.  Let’s just see who’s sitting next to me…ah, perfect.  A middle-aged lady who has an uncanny resemblance to my mom.  That’s