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http://www.nailedmagazine.com/fiction/worry-warts-by-peter-derk/

Howdy, Lately I’ve been really thinking about leaving the Facebooks. The reason isn’t anyone’s fault. No one specific, anyway. Here’s a weakness I’ll admit about

People see me and think I’m cute, and I think they underestimate me a lot. But beneath the surface, I’m like a [insert name of

It’s been awhile, but I think Helpful Snowman is back on track. Things have been busy, and they’ll stay busy. What have we been up

As many of you know, I’ve been presented with a prestigious honor. I’ll be keeping a diary of my exploits as one of the greatest

Well. Okay. A blowjob is like… When a mommy and daddy love each other very much they do certain things. Or also, sometimes a mommy

The plan is to improve myself by going through this book of 52 ways to improve myself. I’ll probably half-ass some of it and screw

I feel like bros are really good at coming up with different words to explain how they’re having a lot of sex. Like instead of

Please, be seated. I don’t know if you’re usually seated. If usually you’re standing, then take a seat because hey, I think things are already

I’m here to tell you a secret. Golf is pretty fucking fun. Now, before you get all uppity about how your idea and my idea

The plan is to improve myself by going through this book of 52 ways to improve myself. I’ll probably half-ass some of it and screw

The plan is to improve myself by going through this book of 52 ways to improve myself. I’ll probably half-ass some of it and screw

1. They are not funny jokes. 2. Nobody watches Under The Dome. 3. There is nothing funny about being stuck inside a mysterious dome.

Step 1: Make a bunch of bullets. These are sort of like joints of gun stuff. Make these while seated near a fireplace where you

The plan is to improve myself by going through this book of 52 ways to improve myself. I’ll probably half-ass some of it and screw

I came across this book not so long ago Okay, it was actually a REALLY long time ago that I came across this book. I’m

If you’re headed to the theater to see Fateful Findings, which you SHOULD be, print off a couple of these for you and your friends.

For the next couple days my poetry chapEbook, Barehanded, is free for Kindle. That means Kindle devices, apps, or even the desktop reader. So all

Okay, I am aware that complaining about Microsoft products is probably a complete waste of time. But as my father told me…well, he didn’t tell

If you want to act as good as me, as good as I did during my acting career (grades 8-8.75), all you have to do

Hi. I’m Pete. And, haha, yes, I do my own stunts. Wait, no. I DO NOT do my own stunts. Sure, we all know Tom

Cumming on glasses is something I’ve seen on these pron sites now and then. It’s, well, clearly a fantasy of someone who has never owned

Me stupid. Let’s just get that right out of the way. Last week I had the pleasure of parking at the airport Economy Lot. First

The announcement that Popeye’s chicken was now seasoned with real black peppercorns. The announcement that today’s school lunch would be spaghetti. The announcement that nail

Next stop, Las Vegas Convention Center. This is the most convenient place to get off if you’re a sucker and you’re here for a work

First of all, I want to say thanks for coming to prom with me, Taylor Swift. I’m sorry I still call you by first and

[shouting from the ice chunk] Wow. Thanks assholes. Thanks a lot. Isn’t this just a tidy way to wrap up a life, huh? I’ll just

Howdy Listeners! I am proud to announce the commencement of Helpful Snowbowl 2013. Yes, I’m aware it’s 2014. But we already have a logo for

Check out your new endorsement! Steve Krebs endorsed you for “Hey Fuckup, why U no bring donuts today?! :(” Check out your new endorsement! Steve

Hot enough for ya!? No. Your innards would be melted and you would be physically unable to tell that joke. That would be hot enough

Okay, let’s get ready here. Problems one and two are all the stray dogs and bums. I’m gonna need you to feed one group to

I have a new column up at LitReactor. Head on over and give it a read. If you like it, make sure to hit those

The other night I was thinking how I might like a walking staff to help me to the bathroom at night. You know, those times

Saw this at a taco restaurant today. Is this a joke? Say it aloud. How would you pronounce that name? Because I would say it

Author’s note: this is so super made up. Not real. Thank fucking god. Me: I’m here with Mick Jones, frontman and writer or co-writer for

There’s been a ton of discussion about#yesallwoman and #notallmen and what it means to shoot people after you write a manifesto. By the way, nobody

New column at LitReactor. You’ll like it. There’s revenge against people who we’re mean in junior high. Please use the Facebook and twitter buttons at

Hey guys! I’m a social media expert -more like SEXpert!!!;)- and I’m here to help you sexitize your Snapchats with these sizzling hot tips. Get

Be nice to nerds. But not too nice. Chances are you’ll end up working for one, and you’re going to want to be used to

My bank decided to go ahead and change their mobile banking app. Before you ask, No, I sure as hell, sure as shit, sure as

Yesterday I discovered a disturbing secret. Turns out that Granny Smith, the apple lady, has a mysterious middle name. All I know is that it

Hello, Cat. Where do you keep all your stuff? Is this a floss container for you to play with, or did you turn this into

Yesterday I was lucky enough to go into a pet store. Not the kind that sells pets. The kind that sells all kinds of stuff

Boy, it’s coming down out here. Right now we’re looking at…I’d say eyeball size. Eyeball size like if you popped out the whole eye. Reference

Can you believe the botanic gardens is back open? Finally! What’s a botanic? You know what? Who fucking cares!? I’m so happy that we’ve got

Jesus: It’s what’s for wafer snack. Christians: the OG blood drinkers #TeamJacob Spend Father’s Day with Our Father Who Art In Heaven instead of Your

These fuckers. I work in this office with these stupid fuckers. God do I hate them. God how I want to make them miserable. If

Okay, no. This is a terrible idea. Who is supposed to sit in there? And how am I supposed to feel about it? I can

April 25: “Haha, look at that.  Honey, did you hide this egg behind the lamp?  Wow, you’re good at this.” May 2: “Oh, wow. Sweetheart,

Is that the expression? Down the pike? Who the fuck knows. We have a huge, new, giant, gigantic episode coming your way. So much to

Pizza Okay, that tracks for me. We’ve all tried making our snack and then the pizza version. Sometimes it works, like for the bagel people

“There’s hairs that MIGHT be pubes all over the bathroom floor. I need more Swiffer pads…” “Let’s check the manager special bread in the back…”

Birdemic 2 Thankskilling 3 Grabbers Things Manos, the Hands of Fate Gingerbread Man vs Evil Bong Snow Shark Horrible Horror and…Monsturd

“Prevents Check Fraud” I don’t get this one.  How?  How does this pen prevent check fraud in a way that others won’t?  Some kind of

JS:  Yes, you in the…the hat. Kid:  Um.  Yeah.  So in that book where the two guys work on the farm? JS: Of Mice and